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Caleb TumanakoLogliner
On the eve of the year 2000, a homeless street beggar struggles to stay afloat in life seeking a place to rest his weary soul while a drug-addicted Sydney paramedic responds to a call that will forever change both of their lives.
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Hi Caleb,
At 42 words it?s pretty long for what?s, I?m assuming, less than ten minutes worth of story. There are definitely some things that could be guillotined?
— Does the fact that it takes place on NYE 1999 having any bearing on the plot? If not, I think you could drop it from the logline.
— ..homeless street beggar struggles to stay afloat in life seeking a place to rest?? ? the fact that he?s a street beggar would imply that he struggles to stay afloat in life??, so that could get dropped as well, just imo.
Also, I?m a bit confused over who I?m supposed to be following ? the homeless man, the paramedic, or both? If it’s a case of the two plot lines running simultaneously and then meeting up at the end, I’d be assuming that the drug-addicted paramedic must save the life of the homeless man..? If this is the case then I’d suggest stating the event that causes these two worlds to collide. It also starts to feel like the paramedic is perhaps the more intriguing protag.
In its current form it feels like it’s trying to be intriguing as opposed to clearly setting up a big event that happens to an interesting character that actually is intriguing …”…that will forever change both of their lives.” might be a contributing factor…
Anyway — best of luck with revisions to a potentially interesting short.
You’ve described two protagonists – not a protag and an antag – and so your logline is bloated. Whose story is it?
It’s both of their stories, they intertwine with each other coming to a conclusion, both of them have battled with a darkness (yes, abstract but that’s how I do, I understand conventionality but I’m a fan of difference) so I could include the antagonist as the darkness (which you do see) but the story is of an estranged father and a daughter coming together under the most unlikely circumstances bringing closure on their relationship.
The premise in your current logline = A homeless person tires to finds a place to rest while a drug addicted paramedic responds to a call.
— No direct causal link, forces me to hazard at guesses to how they relate, which doesn’t mean “Send me that script — I have to know how they could possibly relate..”, but “I can’t see how they relate, so I don’t care…so lets pass on that one…got any others?”
Versus –> “…the story of an estranged father and a daughter coming together under the most unlikely circumstances bringing closure on their relationship.”
Whilst the latter is not sufficient for a logline, it’s telling me more about what this movie is about — it’s the meat of the story, the most important part — that’s what needs to be incorporated in the logline, imo. This is potentially juicy stuff which has the potential for a feature — in fact, if you haven’t written it yet, I find it hard to see how you would manage to fit it into a short — sounds like you would need a good chunk of set-up… I know I’d struggle — but maybe that’s just me, king of verbosity 😉
Anyway — best of luck again.