#Vigilante
Loner MikePenpusher
When his older brother is framed for a brutal murder. A 15yr old prodigy with incredible powers & abilities. Will unite with his “retired” criminal genius uncle. To stop a superhuman genius serial killer; who has a vendetta against the city’s elite.
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There is a disconnect between the brother and the super-villain. I can’t see the connection.
What is the main want (which better that a goal in some cases).
What are the character’s powers, it could be piano and maths I can’t tell.
Here is a very rough attempt.
A 15yr genius must team up with his uncle an ex-con with superpowers to defeat a super villain that has framed his brother for murder.
To many side roads can make it confusing. If a producer is looking for a superhero story you have given them enough.
Thank you very much!! You have given me a lot to think about. I clearly see my mistakes, and know how to fix them.
I like Craig’s fine tuning the logline.
How come I can;t post a logline?
Agreed with Craig, best to define a clear goal and inciting incident in the logline.
How does the brother’s arrest logically motivate him to fight the serial killer? I would think that if he knows his brother is innocent, he would try and free him or prove his innocence. If that is the ultimate goal, it should be clearly stated as such.
Lastly, I find that good loglines use very little, if at all, adjectives to describe the events and characters. Words such as; brutal, incredible and genius, come across as attempts to heighten the stakes artificially. A good premise will have clearly understood heightened stakes, and require far less linguistic embellishment. I suggest you remove these words and heighten the stakes and motivation, this will also free up some precious logline real-estate.