Released from jail after 24 years, obsessed with reclaiming his fortune, a man must play a deadly game, devised by his dead wife, that leads him through the nine circles of hell.
Lemmy CautionPenpusher
Released from jail after 24 years, obsessed with reclaiming his fortune, a man must play a deadly game, devised by his dead wife, that leads him through the nine circles of hell.
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“Released from jail after 24 years, obsessed with reclaiming his fortune, a man must play a deadly game, devised by his dead wife, that leads him through the nine circles of hell.”
Example:?After he is released from prison, a man must play a deadly game his wife created that leads him through the nine circles of Hell so he can reclaim his fortune.?(~32 words)
I think the inciting incident lacks the casual relationship that it needs to the rest of the plot. Him being released from prison also isn’t what gets him into motion, what causes him to play the game. So what is?
For example, say that the wife were still alive, and he went to visit her. Before she dies, she informs him of the game he has to play to win back his fortune. Then he goes home and someone comes looking for the money he owes them, and then he?must?get the money to prevent being attacked or whatever, to repay his debt.
So, basically, him being released from prison is too early to be what prompts him to set the story goal.
Example:?When a gang threatens him, an ex-convict must play a deadly game his wife made that leads him through the nine circles of Hell so he can reclaim his fortune and pay his debts. (34).
A little long, but it gets my point across, he?has?to get the money to avert the threat.
Good luck with this.
What Dkpough1 wrote.
Also, by defining the character as “…obsessed with reclaiming his fortune?”, you’re describing the character’s motivation without which the audience will not be able to make sense of his goal. Without this description as a qualifier, the goal seems unmotivated and therefore as mentioned above lacking in cause and effect.
In good stories the motivation, or the need, is clear without a didactic approach, for example: During a drought, a poor Somalian??mother must cross the buffer zone to fetch water for her children. Cliche aside, the stakes are high and her obstacle and goal are clear, there is no need to describe her motivation – it’s evident in the particular set of circumstances. The description of the main character is dedicated to positioning her in the correct situation for the story, not used to describe her motivation.
My point is, can you come up with another plot point or event that makes him HAVE to get back his fortune? Otherwise is there a different goal you could give him, one that is related to heaven and hell? What if he needs to help a condemned love one?