A brain injured teen with a literary gift relies on cyber eccentric fiction to recover from an illusive locked coma
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How can he write if he’s in an “illusive locked coma”– an illusive description of a coma? (That’s what “literary gift” means, doesn’t it, that he has a gift for writing? ?Or does it refer to something else?) And what does “relies on cyber eccentric fiction” mean?
I don’t understand what his medical problem is. Nor do I understand what the therapy is. ?I suggest the description of his problem and his therapy needs clarification.
Agreed with DPG.
The concept is unclear, is the whole film a screen adaptation of his dreams and thoughts? Or is the action seen on screen what happens around him?
Also, If he is in a coma, what actually happens? what starts him on his journey? What forces him into action?
Lastly, and most importantly, what is his goal and how is the audience privy to it?
I like it. A log line to me does not have to answer everything. It should spark curiosity.
What is the conflict?
What is the lead characters goal?
What is standing in the way of that goal?
When deep brain trauma escalates a literary gifted teens perception of recovery to a pain crippling head he creatively channels the aid of a science fictional character to restore his identity a locked coma
The last draft of the logline is even more cryptic than the first – there are too many unclear elements lacking a cause and effect.
Use a different description to “…literary gifted…” – most people don’t know what that means, it seems to have little if no impact on the plot and isn’t an understandable flaw that indicates an inner journey for the MC.
Give him a different inciting incident, or describe it in clear terms – escalating someone’s perception of a recovery is vague most people reading this would have no idea what it means.
Give him a different course of action or describe it in another way. How does he channel a fictional character? This is unclear? Is the MC a fictional character? Does he live in a fictional universe?
How does finding his identity connect to any of the elements described in the concept? Is there a different more concrete goal you can give the MC to achieve?