Rescued from a life of bullying and abandonment, a young girl musters up the courage to battle a serpent who is holding her estranged father captive.
pdlz78Logliner
Rescued from a life of bullying and abandonment, a young girl musters up the courage to battle a serpent who is holding her estranged father captive.
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It would help if your inciting incident related to the goal.
“When her estranged father is captured by an evil serpent…”
Then you should tell us what she must do… For instance:
“…A shy teenager must break into an occult museum to steal the only sword that can damage the creature.” (Obviously your story would be different)
As?Richiev said.
What exactly is the inciting incident that triggers the plot? ?Whatever it is, it should lead off the logline.
An objective goal concerns ?the action that will constitute the entire 2nd Act and most of the 3rd. ?That translates into 85-100 pages of script. ?Taken literally this logline says that most of the script will be taken up with the issue of the young girl merely mustering her courage. ?And then, finally, ?after 85-100 pages she will get around to rescuing her father.
Well, obviously you mean to say that her objective goal is to struggle to rescue her father from the git go, not after 85-100 pages.?
“Mustering the courage” is the subjective issue she will have to overcome in her ongoing struggle to save him. ?The trick to handling the subjective issue in a logline is to allude to it in terms of a character vulnerability; like, she’s timorous or fearful. ?
The bullying seems to be in the ?backstory. ?If so, while relevant to the formation of her character, it doesn’t belong ?in the logline because a logline is a description of a plot. ?And a plot is about the action moving forward in time, not looking backward, even when the past haunts the present.
fwiw