REVISED VERSION: While investigating a mysterious murder, a hard-boiled investigative journalist risks his life to stop a corrupt government launching a genetically engineered weapon against an unsuspecting population.
ashturnerPenpusher
REVISED VERSION: While investigating a mysterious murder, a hard-boiled investigative journalist risks his life to stop a corrupt government launching a genetically engineered weapon against an unsuspecting population.
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Good point raised by DPG.
I think the inciting incident could be used to clarify the nature of the weapon yet to be unleashed and who it will be used against. Currently the inciting incident doesn’t relate to the goal, how does investigating a mysterious murder make a journalist need to stop a government from using a weapon of mass destruction? It doesn’t, I suggest re thinking the event that started off the story and made the main character need to pursue the goal.
Hey Ash,
Next time, please just post any revisions in the thread for the original logline. That way, everyone can see how the logline develops.
Thank you!
Cheers,
Karel
Chief Logliner
I have to agree. The weapon is the story and what someone needs to do to stop it. You have used our words to describe the journo that doesn’t add to the story. If his personality change is part of the story, add it in. Otherwise focus on the story.
I?am puzzled by the dramatic?premise. Why would a government want to unleash such a lethal weapon indiscriminately?against its own people?? That’s not corruption — it’s insanity.? It would be destroying the very?population the regime needs to oppress and exploit in order to survive.
Or is the weapon to be used against a foreign population, a designated enemy of the state?