(REVISED) When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.
MichaelGLogliner
(REVISED) When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.
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“When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.”
What is a telepathic phone? A phone that uses to telepathy to operate, a phone that allows people to communicate telepathically? Since this is not something we have, it needs to be explained. ?But why not just leave it out? It doesn’t add anything but an intrigue factor. It may be essential to the story, but it doesn’t seem to add much to the logline.
I’m not sure you need to include ‘antisocial’. A doomsday prepper suggests antisocial qualities.
You don’t mention a specific goal. Or a method for achieving her goal.
Example:?When a virus infects everyone in a small town except for an apocalypse prepper, she?must use her hoarded resources to stop the spread of the virus.?(~27 words)
My example has a goal: To stop the spread of the virus.?
A method: By using the supplies she’s gathered.?
?When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.?
Yes, I too suggest omitting …transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, after virus. Consider describing the virus, too, for dramatic effect.
…she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.? ??That’s vaguely interesting – if that makes sense; it sounds good/catchy, but does not say much. Narrow it down to specifics: how exactly or what must she do to start saving it?
Hope this was of some ?help to you.
I agree with Dkpough1 and Eethan: ?eliminate the telepathic phone from the logline. ?It is likely to derail ?a reader’s attention from the story. ?The first reaction will be “WTF is a telepathic phone? ” instead of “What is the story about?”
Why is the point of the telepathic phone? There are enough natural vectors for viral infections, ones that require a lot less exposition to overcome incredulity than explaining what a telepathic phone. (Like mosquitoes). ?I get the pun on the phrase “going viral” but what is the dramatic point of the telepathic phone?
Once I get past the gimmick, I find the actual plot intriguing: ?a woman who has lost hope in the future, withdrawn from a world she believes is ?going to hell in a hand basket must become engaged again — at least in her small corner of it — and struggle to defeat the spread of the virus.
What DPG said.
Also best if you add a clearer description of her goal and action.
How will she?save the town? Design a cure? Find the source of the virus? Find patient zero?
What she actually does?in the story needs to be described or eluded to in the logline.
“When a virus spreads through a small town making everyone dangerously impulsive, an apocalypse ?prepper? must stop preparing for the world?s end and find a cure to save her town.”
Better. But cut some words out.
Example:?When a deadly virus infects her small town, an apocalypse prepper must find a way to cure it and stop it from spreading.?(~23 words)
But what specifically does she do? In my earlier example, I said use the supplies she’s hoarded. Is it something similar? Must she find an uninfected doctor? What is it?