Logliner
Posted: 2017-06-02T19:26:28+10:00 In:

Reword: Imprisoned in an apartment with a complete stranger, a humanitarian twenty-something has to a find a way to save the world and its population before her abductors? plan unfolds.

Reword: Imprisoned in an apartment with a complete stranger, a humanitarian twenty-something has to a find a way to save the world and its population before her abductors? plan unfolds.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Logliner
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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with Dkpough1, you’re better off describing a character flaw than the age.
      What you suggested are not flaws:
      ? Too demanding of herself (is there an adjective for that? Such as self-judgmental)
      ? Fixated
      ? idealist
      ? self-judgmental

      A flaw should be a negative quality, one that would require hard work to overcome in order for her to be a better version of herself. For example: arrogant, self-centered, elitist, etc…

      Otherwise, this logline is vague in terms of stakes. Sure, you wrote that the world is in danger, but why and in what way? Do the bad guys have a nuce? A bio bomb?
      The nature of the danger they pose is important for the concept, as it will explain what kind of bad guys she is up against.

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    3. Logliner

      Thank you for the advice, these are some ideas, maybe you can help me figure out what would work best:
      – Too demanding of herself (is there an adjective for that? Such as self-judgmental)
      – Fixated
      – idealist
      – self-judgmental

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    4. Uberwriter

      Your best bet is to describe a character flaw or a trait which will become an obstacle to her goal. Something which implies an inner conflict during the story. ?Maybe something like ‘stubborn’ or something. Also, I think it would help you if you described the way which the organization will kill humanity, rather than being vague.?

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    5. Uberwriter

      “Imprisoned in an apartment with a complete stranger, a humanitarian twenty-something has to a find a way to save the world and its population before her abductors? plan unfolds.”

      If she is abducted by her estranged father, put that in the logline. Doing that means the logline implies an antagonist with clear motivation and goal.

      An inciting incident should be a specific event. Since her age has little to do with the story, describe her personality instead.

      Example:?When she is abducted by her estranged father so she can be spared, a shy humanitarian must find a way to prevent him from killing most of humanity. (28)

      Replace ‘shy’ with a trait which actually describes her.

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