Rework: When two cops, and a witness in a space piracy case, are murdered, the determined Homicide Detective must solve the piracy fraud to catch the killer and the fraud mastermind.

Russell.

This draft hosts a number of the same fundimental problems present in the previous attempts.

1) You need a powerfully motivating incitin incident for a film, not a pedestrian daily event in the character’s life. A detective’s job is to solve crime. He or she being given a case to solve is not an out of the ordinary event that forces him or her to take action – it’s simply another day on the job.

2) What is at stake? Why MUST the detective solve the crime? The word must carries with it a notation of stakes – must do this or else. Since the world is full of killers, pirates, and fraud criminals the ‘or else’ element is not clear in this concept. If you don’t have any major stakes on a social level then best to make this personal in some way for the main character.

3) If the MC is a homicide detective, why must he or she solve the piracy and fraud case? The logic connecting the objectives is vague.

4) You defined two goals: catch the killer and catch the fraud mastermind. Which is the primary goal? Only that should be described. If it’s the same person mention only that the killer needs to be caught.