Logliner
Posted: 2016-06-23T12:10:11+10:00 In:

Selfish athlete learns the importance of humility when he falls for a single mom while rehabbing an injury as his team makes playoff push.

Selfish athlete learns the importance of humility when he falls for a single mom while rehabbing an injury as his team makes playoff push.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I think you’re trying to make it seem as if his love for the woman will prevent him from partaking in the playoff. To that matter he needs to choose between real love or his sports career, as DPG mentioned it needs to be explained why and how the love and career are related or how they connect, could it be that she was a nurse or physiotherapist at the rehab centre?
      This way his sports bought him to meet his love but his love is taking him away from the sport.

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    2. Logliner

      What’s the single mom’s trait that teaches him humility.? That seems missing in the logline.

      Also what’s a playoff?? Just kidding.? But if you are marketing to chick flick fans or Aussies like me who don’t do playoffs, it’s a bit alienating? 🙂

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    3. Singularity

      The logline ought to specify? what kind of athlete he is, whether he plays football, basketball… or?

      Also loglines are about? what a protagonist objectively wants , not? what he subjectively needs.

      And as framed the logline highlights? a story about a relationship.? Relationships are usually a “B” story that run in tandem with and complement the “A” story.? And the “A” story is about action.? The “B” story focuses on relationship.? Loglines are about the “A” story, not the “B” story.

      Further, a logline should contain one dramatic problem.? This one has two:? 1] he’s in rehab when his team needs him most, for the playoffs. 2] He falls in love with a single mom.? Well, which one is the more important?? What is the story really, really about?

      Come to think about it:? why does the story require a sports injury for him to become romantically involved with a single mom?? Couldn’t their lives intersect in some other plausible way that would complicate his need to focus on his game to fulfill his dream of winning a championship season?

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