Samurai
Posted: 2017-10-07T01:00:44+10:00 In:

(Short) A down on his luck and jaded 20 something who robs a bank on Christmas eve meets a little girl who is convinced that an Old Man in the bank is Santa Claus.

(Short) A down on his luck and jaded 20 something who robs a bank on Christmas eve meets a little girl who is convinced that an Old Man in the bank is Santa Claus.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      Erica,

      What is the conflict that the bank robber is faced with after interacting with the little girl? I mean, he is a bank robber, would he even care about Santa or the little girl?

      You got the setup, now add the potential stakes/resolve.

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    2. Uberwriter

      You would need to state that he is somehow trapped with the girl, developed a relationship with her and needs her to complete the stake somehow. Kinda farfetched.

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    3. Samurai

      Not sure why the down vote.?? I’ve notice a lot of down voting lately, not exactly the best way to encourage people in my opinion.? I know some of the loglines posted are a mess or completely ignore anything about a logline, but some that have been down voted seem like good stories that just need a little work finding the right words for the logline.

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    4. Singularity

      First, I think you need to understand what a stake is – a bank robbery can’t be a stake. Here is? a simple definition from Google:
      A sum of money or something else of value gambled on the outcome of a risky game or venture.

      The loot could be the stake, his freedom could be the stake but a robbery is an action and therefore not a stake.

      Secondly, there is no plot described in this logline, as such, I’m not sure what the story is.

      Check out the Formula tab on the top bar to see what a logline needs to function well as a logline, in short, it needs to describe a plot by the use of n inciting event and goal. In this case, the logline is missing a clear inciting incident at the start – it alludes to the appearance of Santa Claus at the end but never specifies that this event motivates the robber to take action. The logline also lacks a clear goal, as a result of the girl’s revelation or the appearance of Saint Nick, what does the MC specifically need to achieve?

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    5. I think this is great as a first draft. And with a little bit of work you’ll be able to make this into a nice Christmas short story. Your characters have to be connected. Even though Christmas stories can be far-fetched, your characters’ motivations can’t be; Because most people understand credible motivations. In film-making, probable impossibilities are better than improbable possibilities.

      An improbable possibility?would be for the girl, who thinks the old man is?the real santa, to be a meaningful enough obstacle or reason?for the 20-something to stop robbing a?bank.

      A probable impossibility?could be that the old man truly is Santa and the 20-something made the wrong choice by?using the little girl as a getaway hostage.

      Hope that helps.

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