Samurai
Posted: 2017-11-13T02:02:48+10:00 In:

(short film) When a Yemeni family loses their father in a drone strike during war, the youngest child takes over his business to sell all water bottles in order to pay for his badly-injured mothers operation.

(short film) When a Yemeni family loses their father in a drone strike during war, the youngest child takes over his business to sell all water bottles in order to pay for his badly-injured mothers operation.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Singularity
      The form of death seems irrelevant and could be cut to save on the great word count in the logline.

      For example:
      After his father is killed a boy takes over the family business to sell water bottles in order to pay for his mother’s life-saving operation.

      The only problem I have with this is the lack of conflict. The bulk of the story is the boy selling water bottles, then when enough are sold the mother gets her operation. Is there something stopping him from selling the bottles? Is there a large competitor he is up against?

      Also, what kind of a boy is he? “…youngest child…” is too generic and the logline needs a specific type of character for the story to sound more interesting.

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with Nir… a ticking clock might help, maybe he only has a certain time frame to raise the money.

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    3. Samurai

      Thank you for your comments!

      What do you think about this version?

      After his father is killed, a badly-injured Yemeni boy takes over his business to sell all water bottles in one day in order to pay for his mother’s life-saving operation.

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    4. Singularity

      Can he really sell enough bottles in one day to pay for an opertation? Even if he can, there’s still a lack of obstacle, what’s stopping him? Where’s the conflict? He sells, he earns money and then pays for the operation. Is there a competing business perhaps?

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