Slated for Banishment on her sixteenth birthday, a young warrior must elude capture, rescue her best friend and hope her own twist doesn?t mutate further in the process. If they do manage to escape, Keira will have to face her nightmares, the creatures of a world twisted by the DNA Wars, and survive long enough to reach the City of Lights where she will be free from persecution.
Leannf411Logliner
Slated for Banishment on her sixteenth birthday, a young warrior must elude capture, rescue her best friend and hope her own twist doesn?t mutate further in the process. If they do manage to escape, Keira will have to face her nightmares, the creatures of a world twisted by the DNA Wars, and survive long enough to reach the City of Lights where she will be free from persecution.
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At 68 words this is too long to be considered a logline and has way too many plot points to properly evaluate.
Please read the guidelines under “Training” at the top of the web page for composing an industry acceptable logline and shorten and simplify.
I think it is a little long too. Great ideas but they need streamlined.
Maybe it should read something like:
” A futuristic?warrior princess has 24 hours to escape the DNA wars before she mutates into something other than herself”
I don’t know for sure 😉 That was very quick but I hope it shows you how it could be streamlined.
A simple formula moving forward might be – “Archetype must action/goal or else to ?express theme.”
Agreed with DPG this is too long and complex.
After reviewing the Training tab, trie and isolate the MC’s inciting incident and goal. Once you have the inciting incident and goal structure a new logline, and focus only on these elements – no back story, and no subplots.
Her own twist? Leave world-building for the actual screenplay and try focusing just on the core story and protagonist and you will find your word count will drop dramatically. Hope this helps.