THE MONSTER AND THE LIONESS
Suffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man who lives under his bed must slowly break away from his imagination with the arrival of a newborn sister.
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I don’t know what to make of this except that what the guy really seems to need is to rapidly break away from his abusive parents. (And take his newborn sister with him.)
I don’t know what to make of this except that what the guy really seems to need is to rapidly break away from his abusive parents. (And take his newborn sister with him.)
“…break away…” being described as the main action sounds vague as we don’t know what breaking away from ones imagination means much less doing it slowly.
Further more why would he suddenly break away now? If it’s the sister that’s his motivation how can that be if he lives under the bed?
I think the idea is that a traumatized man fears for the safety of his new born sister. But we don’t understand the stakes, the antagonist and nature of his trauma. Also the logline has too much description that is unrelated directly to the plot and action the MC takes in the story such as years of suffering or living under the bed.
Hope this helps.
“…break away…” being described as the main action sounds vague as we don’t know what breaking away from ones imagination means much less doing it slowly.
Further more why would he suddenly break away now? If it’s the sister that’s his motivation how can that be if he lives under the bed?
I think the idea is that a traumatized man fears for the safety of his new born sister. But we don’t understand the stakes, the antagonist and nature of his trauma. Also the logline has too much description that is unrelated directly to the plot and action the MC takes in the story such as years of suffering or living under the bed.
Hope this helps.
“Suffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man” – this is excessively wordy, and ‘estranged’ means to no longer be friendly with someone else, so it’s out of place here. Like always, I don’t like the character’s function being solely based around their gender, so may I suggest describing the character as:
“A reclusive child-abuse survivor …”
Next – does he really live under his bed, or does he live in his imagination? Which is the ‘happy village’ that’s going to be upset by the arrival of this baby? Pick one and run with it …
Then – it becomes pretty clear that you have a setup, a ‘what if’ … but no compelling action to take us through the second act. What happens next? What is the character’s goal?
“A reclusive child-abuse survivor must (achieve this goal) after his fantasy world is shattered with the arrival of a newborn baby sister.”
I’ll also jump on the bandwagon and say that the stakes aren’t clear; it’s implied that the newborn might enter this cycle of abuse, but I think that perhaps you should be explicit about it?
“Suffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man” – this is excessively wordy, and ‘estranged’ means to no longer be friendly with someone else, so it’s out of place here. Like always, I don’t like the character’s function being solely based around their gender, so may I suggest describing the character as:
“A reclusive child-abuse survivor …”
Next – does he really live under his bed, or does he live in his imagination? Which is the ‘happy village’ that’s going to be upset by the arrival of this baby? Pick one and run with it …
Then – it becomes pretty clear that you have a setup, a ‘what if’ … but no compelling action to take us through the second act. What happens next? What is the character’s goal?
“A reclusive child-abuse survivor must (achieve this goal) after his fantasy world is shattered with the arrival of a newborn baby sister.”
I’ll also jump on the bandwagon and say that the stakes aren’t clear; it’s implied that the newborn might enter this cycle of abuse, but I think that perhaps you should be explicit about it?