Iron Man
Suffering heart damage after a weapons sale is ambushed by terrorsists, a military industrialist/ playboy builds a hi-tech armoured suit to save his own life and protect his company from the people he trusts.
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Always to a spell-check on your logline. “terrorsists” doesn’t look too good.
“a military industrialist/ playboy” lacks the hero’s flaw. This can be clearer.
“to save his own life and protect his company from the people he trusts”: this sounds odd because the logline doesn’t clarify who ‘the people he trusts’ are and how they turn against him. This can be clearer.
Also try to avoid open-ended goals in the logline. If he is going to save his life and protect his company, how long is this going to take? When will this have a happy ending? Or in other words: what does the audience want to see on the screen to understand the story is over?
Hmm, yes I assumed that “playboy” would indicate his selfishness as his character flaw but it could be clearer.
I keep reading conflicting loglines that often suggest being open ended is good but if clarity is key then I should be aiming for shorter, more concise loglines.
It’s not more concise :/ but:
“When a flamboyant but self-centred weapons dealer is kidnapped, he must escape by building a powered suit of armour, but when the armour falls into the hands of his corrupt business partner and teacher, he must fight to save the woman he loves and the world itself from the very weapons he created.”
Is this clearer?
Thanks for the feedback anyway, I’ll keep working on it
How’s this?
“After being captured by terrorists, a self-absorbed money-hungry weapons manufacturer constructs a suit of armor to combat evil. But can he save himself and his love interest from the mentor who has stolen his idea for his own corporate greed?”
I would go with something like… “After being captured by terrorists, an egotistical industrialist builds a technological suit of armor to escape and then must confront a twisted version of his own weapon.”