Tag: ?It is said that a mind is a terrible thing to waste?
For some, it is also a very terrifying thing to lose?? Logline: Wrongfully incarcerated, an innocent gay male must rely on his feminine nature to survive as he struggles to maintain his sanity against the uncertainty of unpredictable cellmates and the jailhouse mentality that threatens to break him.
Tracy_JPenpusher
Tag: ?It is said that a mind is a terrible thing to waste? For some, it is also a very terrifying thing to lose?? Logline: Wrongfully incarcerated, an innocent gay male must rely on his feminine nature to survive as he struggles to maintain his sanity against the uncertainty of unpredictable cellmates and the jailhouse mentality that threatens to break him.
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It’s taken a few years and a lot of chats, studying, and bouncing ideas off my friends to finally get this where I wanted it.? The novel was written first, but I started screenwriting with another one of my novels.? This is the next project I am considering for film.
How long is his sentence?? Or when can he be up for parole? (IOW: is there a tickling clock running in the plot, a countdown to a day when his sentence will be complete and he will be released?)
Is there anyone on the outside who? working to discover new evidence to win his release?? Or is he doomed to serve his sentence, at least until he becomes eligibile for? parole?
What’s his goal. I’m guessing it isn’t escaping the prison.
Since It isn’t the usual, my review will have to match your frequency to achieve some good here.
It’s more about the journey of an innocent prisoner.
My query is:
1. When (in plot length) does the audience learn of his wrongful incarceration?
2. When does he learn (did he always knew but couldn’t prove)?
2. Why do you insist on him being “an innocent gay” as opposed to a regular guy.
3. Do you think “relying on his feminine nature” is enough for him to survive his unpredictable cellmates? And how?
4. Does he have a friend inside?
5. Who dies in your film?
6. Do you show his getting out of the prison (and his reaction to it?) Or is it a life sentence?
7. What is his subjective goal (dramatic need opposed to the objective goal)?
Kindly comment these answers
After I have sufficient plot to work on, I will try my best to identify and tweak the nature of your logline, since right now it is un-cinematic.
The crux of your story is his two lovers (and the character arc, as a result) this format could work, because it deals with the premise…his unlikely love life in jail
version 1: To survive his two month jail visit, when an innocent gay man relies on his soft skills, he finds himself in the heat of two challenging relationships.
version 2: When a falsely accused gay relies on his feminine side to survive a crazy jail, he falls for two contrasting lovers, designed to challenge his remaining psyche
Why two versions? So you have the freedom to shuffle bits of each and get closer to your personal vision, since you are a couple years ahead into this and your goal will be different.
Good Luck Tracy!
Tracy_J:
Based upon my reading of this version and the earlier version posted in 2013, this is my provisional take:
A sensitive Black gay man struggles to survive physically and psychologically while serving jail time for a crime he didn’t commit.
(21 words)
I’m guessing that in the context of the story, everyone else will perceive him as effeminate, a sissy, weak, an easy target for abuse (verbal, physical, sexual).? So? his subjective arc is that he must turn that perceived weakness into an acknowledged and? at least grudgingly respected strength.? ?Acknowledged and respected not only by his fellow prisoners and? the jailers- – but? more importantly by himself.? And at the same time he must develop a resilient inner core and project externally to others of a a confidently assertive persona.? By assertive I don’t mean? he must become aggressive or at least able to fake a kick-ass attitude.? I mean? quietly but firmly assertive;? he must? strike a functional balance, that incorporates the best of both his feminine and masculine sides.
And I, for one, would find that a compelling metamorphosis to watch as the plot unfolds.? Particularly the psychological dilemma it entails.
But here’s the rub.? Loglines are not supposed to be about the subjective character arc.? They are supposed to focus on the? physical struggle toward an objective goal.? In his case, his objective goal is to survive long enough to emerge alive.? Unfortunately, the objective action line does not do justice what I’m guessing is the primary aspect of his predicament? you wish to explore.
I’ll have to think about this some more.? ?Sorry, I can’t offer anything particularly useful at the moment.? Best wishes with this project.
Placing a sensitive black gay man in a mostly macho white jail conjures up images of hardship that could be sold as an indie low budget gritty crime drama. However, the plot seems to be missing and without a plot, you can’t sell.
Surviving jail isn’t a plot, it’s an ongoing endeavour – difficult and challenging, to be sure, but not a plot. For a plot, you need a sequence of actions unified under one goal for the MC to pursue.
If his goal is freedom then he’ll need to either prove his innocence or escape.
When is the story set? If it’s present day, he could arguably research his case online and liaise with a collaborator on the outside. Otherwise, he could bide his time and scheme to break out – much like in the Shawshank Redemption. Consider Andy Dufresne, he was innocent and worked tirelessly to free himself throughout most of the movie, but his actions were all but camouflaged by a series of?cleverly designed subplots. The writer wanted to give the audience an ’emotional rollercoaster’ and help them develop empathy for Andy so when he finally crawls through a river of shit and emerges clean on the other side, we’re all cheering in our seats at his victory.
Point is, that the logline for The Shawshank Redemption would focus on his efforts to achieve his primary goal – freedom, not the setting or hardship of prison life.
I concur with Nir Shelter that the story for the purpose of being adapted for film would benefit from a more substantive objective goal.
But there is an important distinction between “The Shawshank Redemption”? and this story.? In “Shawshank”, Andy faces a seemingly insurmountable obstacle to gaining his freedom..? He’s serving a life sentence. And when an opportunity for exoneration appears late in the story, the warden kills has the witness killed.? Andy seems to have no hope of getting out alive .
But the character in this story does.? All he has to do is hunker down for 60 days.
A lot can transpire in 60 days.? I am all too aware of the stress of doing time and? the conflicts that simmer and boil over in jails.? And conflict is necessary, it’s the raw material for drama.?
But conflict is not sufficient.? Drama also needs a character with a compelling purpose to shape the raw material into a form other people want to look at on the silver screen — or their??75″ , LED , 2160p , 4K Ultra HD? home monitor.
fwiw
“A sensitive Black gay man struggles to survive while serving jail time with unpredictable cellmates and the jailhouse mentality that threatens to break him.”? (24 words)? (Psychological?Drama)
I can see something like this working, but I’ve been writing so long with the specifics of the 3 C’s – Character, Conflict, & Concept – my loglines always come out longer than 25 words.? ?Thanks again for the reminder that?less means more.? ?:o)
I will say that I recently watched the latest podcast with Mr. Karel & Nir.? It was noted that loglines can actually be longer, so I thought it was okay.
>>?It was noted that loglines can actually be longer, so I thought it was okay.
Karel alluded to? a collection of loglines for films I have been building and analyzing for several years now . The? collection now exceeds 800 loglines.? Here is what I have found:
Over 1/2 of the loglines are 25 words or less in length.? (58.3% to be specific).? ? More than another 1/4 (27.9%) are between 26 and 30 in length.? So cumulatively, over 86% are 30 words or less in length.
Another 10% are between 30-35 words, and 3% are between 36-40 words in length.
None of the loglines exceed 40 words.
So, here are my personal guidelines for logline length:
Ideal length (and most common) — 25 words or less?
Acceptable length (but not common) — 26-30? words
Tolerable length (rare) – 31-35 words
Borderline length (very rare) –36-40 words
Any logline over 40 words is too long.? It must — and can — be pared down to under 40 words.??
(With loglnes less is almost always more.)
fwiw