Tasked to infiltrate a country of male supremacy, Lilly must suppress her rebellious nature to seize stolen technology in order to earn her freedom; but what else must she sacrifice on her mission to freedom?
FallenDimension192Penpusher
Tasked to infiltrate a country of male supremacy, Lilly must suppress her rebellious nature to seize stolen technology in order to earn her freedom; but what else must she sacrifice on her mission to freedom?
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This logline is written in kinda an oddly circular way.
The leads goal is to earn her freedom
But the reason her freedom is in danger is that she snuck into a country ruled by oppressive men.
So if she hadn’t snuck into the country in the first place, she wouldn’t have to earn her freedom.
Or to put it another way. The mission should be bigger than just herself. Success should be earning the freedom of more than just her.
And I don’t see that story element as the logline is currently written.
What you saying makes sense. A little more background: she is a prisoner in her own country with a death sentence however, if she completes this mission she will earn her freedom.
Thanks, that bit of backstory helps me understand the story better
Workshopping a bit:
Who or what group/organization gave this directive?
Who is Lilly?
It appears “when the guys stole the girl’s tech”, this is your inciting incident.
What is this stolen tech?
“but what else must she sacrifice…” is technically a teaser, you have one sentence – make it count.
Fantasy example, make this yours:
An amazon thief on death row must infiltrate and return their stolen shield rune from a rival male supremacy clan in order to earn her freedom.
Take care.