The lives of a fierce punk rock teen girl, a lunatic homeless assassin, and a long dead soldier intertwine in a tale of violence and redemption.
Dez_RickPenpusher
The lives of a fierce punk rock teen girl, a lunatic homeless assassin, and a long dead soldier intertwine in a tale of violence and redemption.
Share
This reads more like a tagline, a teaser than a logline.
A logline should be designed with specific elements to disclose specific information. ?If you have not done so, please consult the advice for building an industry standard logline under “Formula” at the top of the web page.
As above has mentioned this seems more like the “How” you’ll tell the story rather than the story itself. So if the girl is the protagonist, then I would go for something like:
When lunatic assassin kills her band mates, a fierce punk rocker will recruit a long dead solider to help her chase him down and take her revenge.
Not sure if that’s what you want, but I have a clear understanding of the goal, inciting incident etc. I try and write loglines (Rightly or Wrongly) in three bits. The Incident in Act 1 that starts the story off, The main conflict in Act 2, Act 3’s resolution.
So above: Incited is the killing of Band Mates (Without this there isn’t a story), Main Act 2 Conflict: Working with the Solider to find Assassin, Act 3 Resolution: Gets revenge (Granted saying “Revenge” is a bit vague, but as a audience I can picture that it means to kill, or by overcoming a flaw, perhaps not to.
Hope that helps.
To me, there is no “WHY” they get together, and no goal to achieve.
But I do like the concept of intertwining three such different characters – there’s lots of opportunity for interpersonal conflict, crossed purposes, double-crosses, misinformation etc.