This is for an adult, animated series and it’s being pitched in a few weeks. I want to focus the logline on the story engine of the series and not the events of the first episode. The idea of the series is that we follow the scientists and adventurers as they test this newly invented FTL technology, explore the local region of space, and cope with the variety of governments, corporations, and individuals who attempt to steal, kill, or otherwise stop them. It is mainly an adventure series with a dollop of ethical awareness on top. It’s retro-futurism, not realistic. Thanks in advance.
HallucigeniaPenpusher
The richest man in the solar system wants to colonize the stars with his newly invented faster-than-light technology, but every power mad government and greedy corporation will stop at nothing to take it for themselves.
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Here’s a rewrite:
The richest man in the solar system wants to colonize the stars with his newly invented faster-than-light technology, but must fend off, fight, and negotiate with every power mad government and greedy corporation who will stop at nothing to take it for themselves.
Draft #3:
After the richest man in the solar system successfully develops a faster-than-light spaceship, he must keep corrupt governments and greedy corporations at bay as they attempt to steal the technology for themselves.
Draft #4: slight tweak
After the richest man in the solar system successfully develops a faster-than-light spaceship, he struggles to keep corrupt governments and greedy corporations at bay as they attempt to steal the technology for themselves.
Draft #4:
After the richest man in the solar system successfully develops a faster-than-light spaceship, he struggles to find a colonizable world as corrupt governments and greedy corporations attempt to steal the technology for themselves.
#4 tweaked:
After the richest man in the solar system successfully develops a faster-than-light spaceship, he struggles to find a colonizable world even as he fights off corrupt governments and greedy corporations looking to steal the technology for themselves.
I would take out the word ‘struggles.’
You might also make this into a David vs Goliath story as well.
An Example:
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“After developing a faster-than-light spaceship, a (broke genius) races against time to find a colonizable world before a greedy megacorp steals his technology.”
—–
He’s the little guy, the everyman who has discovered this technology which he will use to help better humankind. But there is a ‘specific’ bad guy who works for a ‘specific’ megacorp, who are the bad guys. Who just want the technology for their own greedy purposes.
Hope that helped.
My characters is nothing like that. This is what I went with:
After developing the first faster-than-light spaceship, a rebellious scientist must fight off corrupt governments and greedy corporations who will stop at nothing to steal the technology for themselves.
BTW: would have responded sooner, but the site went offline shortly after.