Chronical
jamesmichaelPenpusher
The son of a scientist is called to the future to solve the world?s oxygen crisis and save the woman he loves.
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Oxygen crisis … seriously? That sounds barely credible. In addition, shades of copying “Terminator” here (people of the future after someone’s son). Thirdly, why would the future people want the son and not the scientist? It would make more sense, on first impression, that the scientist would be worth the trouble to travel back in time for. A man saving the woman he loves works, but the rest raises questions that undermine the reader’s attachment to this story.
Steven Fernandez (Judge)
I would say more about the protagonist i.e. his flaw and occupation. What is the event that starts his call to adventure? The two goals are specific but there is no mention of an antagonist or obstacles. Even if the plot is complex, the logline should express a clear and simple idea that a reader can grasp.
I think an Oxygen Crisis is very credible. Look at Beijing, New Delhi, Mexico City, etc… 1,000s of residents routinely wear filter masks. But for greater effect I’d word it in the negative: Pollution (if, in fact, that’s what you mean).
And I agree with Nina, what’s the Protag (son) actually DO!? Being a scientist’s son isn’t very interesting.
2 of my favorite words for a Logline are “must” and “but.” They do a great job at adding drama!
“A brilliant chemical engineer transported 20 years into the future must solve Earth’s pollution crisis before millions die, but the woman he loves could very well be humanity’s downfall.”
I’d probably even take out the Love part and expand the core premise a few more words.
“A brilliant chemical engineer transported 20 years into the future must solve Earth’s pollution crisis before millions of innocent people around the world die.”
Bottom line, you need a lot more jalapenos in the chili – spice it up.
I like it. “Oxygen crisis” is your hook… it had me curious about your future world…is breathable air $1.44 a cubic metre? Do they live in huge glass domes? 🙂
I agree with Nina and CaveDude21, tell us more about the main character (strength, flaw, occupation), and what he must do to stop the crisis. And you can leave out the love part, it’s the B plot.
Also, what kind of sci-fi is it: action, drama, or comedy? At the moment, it’s not too clear. Again, letting us know what the main character must do will help with this.
My crack at it:
“When a ::describe main character:: is transported to the future to solve Earth’s oxygen/pollution crisis, he must ::do something::, before millions die.”
correction: before millions suffocate 🙂
– Patrockable, Judge
I agree with some of the others; I think lack of oxygen is perfectly credible. That being said, remember, it has to involve plant life to some degree, if not entirely.
Regarding the logline: it clearly lacks the information or the intensity that would make someone NEED to read this story. Placing equal emphasis on saving the future of mankind with “the woman he loves” is something I read a lot, and it just doesn’t make sense to me (does he not have family, life-long friends, even a dog?) When you are talking about the extinction of mankind, I’m pretty sure his love life will be affected in some way! LOL…
To me, being the “son of a scientist” does not begin to describe the protag. You’ll need to define him more dramatically, accurately and heroically.
Overall, the concept is interesting, and if the logline improves, it may just make someone important say “This I got to see! Let me read how he intends to accomplish this!”
Geno Scala- judge