The true story of how a motley crew pulled off England’s biggest bank heist only to discover they were set up by MI5 to retrieve scandalous photos of a royal person.
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The true story of how a motley crew pulled off England’s biggest bank heist only to discover they were set up by MI5 to retrieve scandalous photos of a royal person.
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I really like this concept and logline. ?Sounds fun and layered. ?I think you definitely need the hero in it. ?Here is what I would go with:
The true story of a?used car dealer who led a motley crew to pull off England?s biggest bank heist, only to discover he was set up by M5 to retrieve scandalous photos of a royal.
Keep him the lead.
I don’t think you need to specify Margaret. ?I cut shady because I think you need to find a better adjective for your “hero.” ?Something more sympathetic, with a wink, even if he is slippery and unscrupulous.
“What, really, is lost by not designating a protagonist? ”
I proceed that a log should suggest to a star talent what the story would mean for them if they were to sign up.
I don’t like mentioning “shady used car person”
The original version is best in my mind, but why not chop the photo reveal to “compromising info?”
Eddie Burton (over radio) “All clear on the western front, Guy”
Dave Shilling (grabbing the radio from Guy) “No names, Eddie”
Eddie Burton (over radio) “Sorry, Dave”
????????????
The 30 words version works great (for me)
Because, to read in a logline:
“The true story of…………scandalous photos of Princess Margaret”
Is hooking enough!
Martine offers Terry a lead on a foolproof bank hit on London’s Baker Street. She targets a roomful of safe deposit boxes worth millions in cash and jewelry. But Terry and his crew don’t realize the boxes also contain a treasure trove of dirty secrets – secrets that will thrust them into a deadly web of corruption and illicit scandal.
So that’s the imdb concept for the bank Job, but I think the one you are coming up with is better.
This describes a hook, not a plot, and so reads like a tagline not a logline.
Was this intentional?
Foxtrot25:
>>proceed that a log should suggest to a star talent what the story would mean for them if they were to sign up.
That is the usual rule, the best way to proceed.? But, as you know,? I also think rules are tools, not immutable laws chiseled in stone.? There can be exceptions.
And I also think that the most important element for a winning logline is a strong story hook.? I dare to venture it is the must-have, indispensable element for scripts by new writers with no representation, no industry contacts, no previous credits.? It’s such a ferociously competitive market, that having a well-constructed, industry standard logline? with all the required elements ( inciting incident+protagonist+objective goal+antagonist)? while necessary is not sufficient.? A spec script by an unrepresented writer trying to break into the Biz needs a strong story hook.
And I think this story has a strong hook.? True story… England’s biggest bank heist… scandalous photos of Princess Margaret.
BUT:
It also true that in Show Biz getting the script filmed often requires attaching major talent to the project, talent that? wants to play the role of the protagonist.? Having a major talent attached to a project is a magnet that draws other talent — and? more importantly, the $$,$$$,$$$ to film it.
Bottom line:? I agree with you that the wiser course would be to include the role of the protagonist.?
And I also think the midpoint discovery/reversal should be and can be included.
Should be because it’s a good story hook.
Can be because the audience is in on the setup from the git-go; it’ s well established in the first Act.? The thieves don’t discover it until the midpoint, after they have robbed the bank.? ?So the midpoint discovery/reversal is not a spoiler — it’s a selling point.
So:
The true story of how a small time criminal led a motley crew to pull off England?s biggest bank heist only to discover they were set up by MI5 to retrieve scandalous photos of Princess Margaret.
(36 words)
Note😕 “small time criminal” instead of? “shady used car dealer”? because, upon another viewing, I realized that is a more accurate description.? The story opens with him selling used cars because he’s trying to go legit . But it’s not working out. He’s deep in debt to a loan shark.? And then an ex-girlfriend shows up to offer him the score of a lifetime that will solve all? his money woes.