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GeraldLogliner
Posted: November 20, 20182018-11-20T23:54:47+10:00 2018-11-20T23:54:47+10:00In: Drama

There we go again: A once-shining high-school choir lead vocalist battles her dire situation by using her singing talent to elevate herself to the heights of success after her father suddenly goes broke.

There we go again: A once-shining high-school choir lead vocalist battles her dire situation by using her singing talent to elevate herself to the heights of success after her father suddenly goes broke.
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    3 Reviews

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    1. Mike Pedley Singularity
      2018-11-21T01:17:51+10:00Added an answer on November 21, 2018 at 1:17 am

      Have a look at the “Our formula” tab to help with formatting.

      You need to give us more visuals in the logline. What does it look like when someone “battles her dire situation”? Is her dire situation that her father is broke? “broke” could mean a lot of things – is he now homeless? Lost his wife? etc. “elevate herself to the heights of success”… do you mean international stardom? Or is she still a high-school student? Her age is up for debate so I’m not sure if what sort of film this actually is.

      Usually, the inciting incident is something that happens directly to the protagonist and whilst her father going broke can still easily prompt her to go for it, I can’t help but feel that someone who was once-shining is always going to be selfishly seeking that.

      The biggest problem though is how she’s going to achieve this. Surely her talent alone isn’t enough – there are many talented people who never make it big. What’s she going to do differently? What makes her story special to the audience? What’s the hook?

      Hope this helps.

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    2. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2018-11-21T06:45:42+10:00Added an answer on November 21, 2018 at 6:45 am

      The problem you have is ?elevate herself?. That lacks struggle, it sounds like having a meal. Oh well dad?s broke, got go elevate myself.

      Give us an example or how she is going to attempt it, or better still how you are going to show us.

      ?Once a choir singing starts performing to sleazy bars to make a living when she is discovers by a record produce; only to find big business is just as sleazy and far more dangerous.?

      Really long, but you know exactly what the story is.

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    3. Richiev Singularity
      2018-11-21T13:37:23+10:00Added an answer on November 21, 2018 at 1:37 pm

      “When her father goes broke, a talented but unsuccessful singer must ‘get a real job’ to take care of her family while juggling her dream of becoming a star.”

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