this hour long dramatic comedy will follow a lesbian Native American Indian who found refuge in the city that never sleeps after being exiled from her reservation not only due to her sexuality, but for having a child out of wedlock…
miiLogliner
this hour long dramatic comedy will follow a lesbian Native American Indian who found refuge in the city that never sleeps after being exiled from her reservation not only due to her sexuality, but for having a child out of wedlock…
Share
You might want to tell us what the lead character’s goal is, what does the lead character want?
Also you mention comedy in the logline but nothing really points to comedy. You should add a quirk to let people know it is a comedy and take out the part where you ‘tell’ us it’s a a dramatic comedy,?You should show us by how the logline is written and not tell us.
Finally, saying she was exiled for her sexuality and also for having a child out of wedlock seems like overkill (For the logline, not the story) You should pick the most important element and drop the other one (Just for the logline, keep it in the story)
Anyway, I am only talking logline issues, the story itself seems interesting.
A story featuring a Native American character — lesbian no less — is a good choice.? The character immediately stands out as? Native American characters of any sexual orientation, in any role in any story are few and far between.
However, I suggest the plot needs focusing.
First of all:
>>>this hour long
What is the targeted media outlet and format for this story?? Is it a one-off, or are you writing a pilot for a TV or streaming media series?? (The default length for comedy series is 30 minutes, for dramas 60.)
>>dramatic comedy
As Richiev said it’s not necessary to indicate the genre in the logline itself.? That will be indicated in a separate field in any database in which it is entered.? And you have to choose one: either it’s a comedy or it’s a drama.? ?The logline suggests more dark moments than light ones.? So if it’s a comedy, it’s a dark one.
>>>not only due to her sexuality
Redundant.? That’s she’s a lesbian implies the dramatic problem of not fitting into her native, traditional norms.
>>>but for having a child out of wedlock?
This? needs reworking.? If she’s a lesbian, then it’s not likely that she willingly had sex with a man. Although just because her primary preference is women, doesn’t not exclude the possibility. (A number of lesbians and gays are bisexual.)? But for the purpose of? a more compelling and motivating inciting incident, I suggest she should be fleeing after the complication of becoming pregnant after the traumatic experience of being raped.? And that the logline should more clearly indicated this to be the inciting incident.
So she flees to the big city.? Then what?? “Find refuge” is rather vague and passive.? The logline should state proactive choices she must make after fleeing.? Like keep the fetus or abort?? And if not abortion then how to support and raise her child herself?
There are a lot of roads this story can take — and that’s good; it is a concept ripe with possibilities.? Now you have to write a logline that indicates the initial road she must take given that she’s pregnant.
fwiw
I can’t thank you enough for the help- I’ve been working on the scripts for this series for the past year, but the logline is what I’m seriously having difficulties with…
The reason I claim this is a dramatic comedy is because the plot is quite dark but what happens throughout the series counter balances the plot (there is a character in particular that is quite crass and always makes inappropriate comments that somewhat lightens the mood so-to-speak…
This character ‘A’ did not willingly have sex with a man- to be honest, she didn’t even know she was pregnant until she visited the family doctor after feeling very ill for a few days.
At the end of the first season, she finally finds out that she was assaulted during a “ritual” that the highest member in her family called for. A ritual that involved her drinking something similar to peyote (she hallucinated and then passed out). She still does not know who the father is at this point.
She found refuge with her cousin that lives in the city (yes, New York). She is not pregnant when she arrives in the city- I used the term exiled loosely because she wasn’t really forced to leave the reservation, she was constantly ridiculed and was bringing embarrassment to the family after being outed by who she thought was a close friend and for being a pregnant lesbian.
She was, however, forced to leave her daughter with her family because they did not want her corrupting the newborn.
“Character A, a lesbian Native American Indian finds refuge in the city that never sleeps after being exiled from her reservation for having a child out of wedlock. …”
I’m not too sure what to say to finish the logline..
“…Character A must decide…?”
Now I’m at a mental block….
I hope this made sense and cleared up some questions! Again, thank you for taking the time to give feedback- I seriously appreciate it 🙂
Mil:
As I said, I think you have an interesting character combined with an dramatically compelling predicament, key ingredients for a successful series.? (BTW:? what tribe have you decided to associate her with? That you intend to dispatch her to New York City suggests one of the eastern tribes.)
I suggest focusing on the logline for the pilot episode.? Because that is the make or break episode for selling the series to the network.? They want to read a script for a pilot episode gripping enough to hook a large audience’s attention and make them want to tune in next week to see what happens next.
In my book, a gold standard pilot episode is the one for “Breaking Bad”.? I? highly recommend it for studying.? A logline for the pilot episode could be : When a? milquetoast? (character flaw) chemistry teacher is diagnosed with terminal cancer (inciting incident), he starts cooking crystal meth to provide for his family after his death (objective goal).
All the wild? plot developments, crazy characters, and complications? for the critically acclaimed, popular series flow from what Walter White decides to do as a result of that inciting incident.
A suggestion: why not develop the pilot episode (and logline) around her “character flaw” (in the context of her culture — I don’t mean that pejoratively; I’m using the term generically to define the primary source of her conflict with her tribe) and the inciting incident that sends her fleeing the reservation.? The episode ends with the cliff hanger beat of her fleeing the reservation.? We know she’s headed for the Big Apple.? What happens next? How will a country girl survive on the mean streets of the city?? How will she solve all the problems created by her pregnancy?
Tune in next week to find out.
I know I would want to tune in next week to find out. Best wishes with your story.
fwiw
As of right now, I currently have the first episode ending in present day NY with Character A as she’s listening to a voicemail that was left for her earlier in the day- at first it seems as if the person accidentally called her – butt dial – until she hears a little girl’s voice say: “When is mommy coming back?”
“Gaho, a Native American lesbian exiled from her tribe, flees to the city that never sleeps.? Abandoned and alone, she fights to rebuild the life she was forced to leave behind.”
Is that logline any better?
Could you also please send me the name of your book?? 🙂