Logliner
Posted: 2020-02-15T02:26:34+10:00 In:

To fund her tuition to become a pilot, a small-town girl joins forces with a closely guarded circle of elite air hostesses to smuggle blood diamonds from Sierra Leone, only to discover the seductive world of the criminal rich. She is forced to overcome the alluring alpha of the clique, before she becomes one of them. [Title: Diamond in the Rough]

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    5 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      I like this.

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    2. Penpusher

      Awesome idea.

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    3. Singularity

      At 56 words, the logline is just too long.? The sweet spot for logline length is in the range of 20-30 words.?

      Try the 6 word story idea strategy.? Trimming off all the excess, what, at the core, is the story all about?? Suggest finding and focusing on the story hook, building from there.

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    4. Singularity

      The character is not well motivated and the goal is not compelling, as a result, the premise falls flat.

      Why MUST she become a pilot? Why now? What’s the event that forces her to take action? What’s the worst that will happen if she doesn’t become a pilot?

      Lastly, a good plot has a clear cause and effect connecting the major beats – smuggling blood diamonds seems unrelated to wanting to become a pilot. The reason is she could, in theory, have any other ambition that requires finance and the plot wouldn’t change. A character’s main story action needs to be directly connected to the outer goal.

       

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    5. Singularity

      As Nir Shelter said.

      And it’s not a matter that she needs to pull out “before she becomes one of them”. And as soon as she starts smuggling and profiting from blood diamonds, she’s is one of them. She’s become corrupt, made an ethically reprehensible choice.? So it seems to me that the dramatic issue is when/how will she come to her moral senses and clean up her act.

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