To repay a debt, a gravedigger is forced to use his cemetery to cover up mob hits, but when the law leans on him, he must work both sides to avoid prison… Or worse.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
To repay a debt, a gravedigger is forced to use his cemetery to cover up mob hits, but when the law leans on him, he must work both sides to avoid prison… Or worse.
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Interesting premise about covering for the mob with the cemetery.
Problem I see is that we are rooting for an anti-hero gravedigger, who is obviously in the wrong. Also, cops “leaning” on a cemetery owner sounds strange, since murder is involved, I would assume they can just shut the operation down.
What is the rainbow at the end of the story? Gravedigger wins and continues stealing from his own cemetery? Give us a few more details about the resolution so that we can help.
What does the grave digger want?
My first impression was to chuckle to myself at the premise. Seem that there is a lot of room her for fun. I did hope for the gravedigger to have more at stake, perhaps something more personal.
For me, the problem in the logline is that you’re describing the action he must take for the status quo to remain the same, whereas you should describe the action takes to change the situation for the better.
If he is in debt to the mob under a threat of life, we would want to see him take action to eliminate the danger not just survive indefinitely. What is the last definitive objective he needs to achieve? Kill the mob boss and bury him in the cemetery?
I like the premise, but suggest it needs a polish.
The character has a clear-cut objective goal, albeit initially a negative one imposed upon him by others, not one he would choose for himself if he wasn’t forced to under pain of pain and death. ?The police meddling is a complication that increases the jeopardy and puts him in the horns of a dilemma.
Eventually he must “dig” himself out of the predicament, one that is of his own making. ?Which means he has to face up to the flaw that caused him to become indebted to the mob.. ?After all, the best comedy arises from situations created and exacerbated by character flaws, not merely bad fortune.
How did he become indebted to the mob, anyway? ?Why did he resort to a loan shark? ?What drove him to such a desperate and dangerous measure? ?Could the debt he owes the mob be a gambling debt? ?And if so, how did he incur the gambling debt? ?Because he’s a chronic, compulsive gambler? ?Or because he was trying to earn some easy money to buy out or set up his own internment business?
Those are backstory questions, I know. ?But I suggest they may need further exploration and working out because, after all, the past (backstory) is prologue to the inciting incident and resulting dramatic problem and objective goal.
fwiw
This one has a lot of potential. Maybe it could be turned around and played like a twisted version of “Risky Business”.
The gravedigger is deep in debt and decides to starts this new business where hitmen and gangsters actually pay him to hide bodies in this fake cemetary. His business is successful, he gets rich and all. But problems arise when the police becomes suspicious and starts investigating his cemetaries.
Good work!