To save her job, a downsized pharmaceutical statistician with Asperger’s uses all her wiles on a dangerous mission to expose ED drug counterfeiters.
GeorgeKaplanPenpusher
To save her job, a downsized pharmaceutical statistician with Asperger’s uses all her wiles on a dangerous mission to expose ED drug counterfeiters.
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So she names names.? So what?? ?What difference will that make?? It’s hardly headline news that ED drugs are being counterfeited.? So?what is so? dangerous about exposing the manufacturing of? counterfeit drugs that everyone already knows is being counterfeited?
I just don’t see what the dramatic problem is here, nor how “solving it” will save her job.? Nor do I see? that she is in dire straits if she loses job; after all being a statistician is a marketable skill.? It’s not a liability that should make it hard for her to find another job.
fwiw
Agreed with DPG.
I’ll add that saving one’s job is not a story worthy goal in itself. What is it about this particular job that’s so important?
Consider The Pursuit of Happiness, for that main character, a job meant a life-changing opportunity.
What are the stakes for your character?
Lastly, what happened that made her need to save her job? What’s the inciting incident?
Here is a second try.? I think it addresses the issues raised by dbg and Nir.
Desperate to keep the only thing in her life that is working for her and fearful of not finding anything comparable due to age discrimination and lack of a PhD, a pharmaceutical statistician with Asperger?s accepts a dangerous assignment to avoid being downsized by unmasking the Russian Mafiosi thought to be distributing deadly counterfeit ED drugs.
At 56 words your second attempt is way too long.
Why the Asperger’s? What does that add to the story? Is someone with Asperger’s even likely to accept a mission like this? Who even gives this kind of assignment to a pharmaceutical statistician with Asperger’s? Surely it would be dealt with by some official agency who deals with this stuff? It just makes no sense.
Currently, I feel there is a massive disconnect between all the elements and it just doesn’t seem logical. If a reader can go “can’t they just…” or simply find themselves asking “why?” then it’s time to go back to the drawing board.
Do you like this any better?? It introduces a second character but is much shorter.
Desperate to keep the only thing in her life that is working for her and fearful of not finding a comparable job due to age discrimination and lack of a PhD, a pharmaceutical statistician agrees to team with a randy CIA agent on a dangerous undercover assignment to avoid being downsized.
Isn’t this a job for the FDA?? Wouldn’t the government be issuing warnings to consumers about the poisoned pills and leading the effort to find the malefactors?? I’m not sure the CIA would be involved in such an investigation as it doesn’t entail a national security issue which is the CIA’s prime operative.
And what unique skill does she have that her company would tap her for the job?? I mean, they’re going to fire her — and yet they are giving her this assignment.? And if they’re giving her the assignment, why is her? job future with the company in jeopardy?? And if she’s a victim of age discrimination (a legitimate issue, btw), again why are they nonetheless tapping her for this assignment?
The logic just doesn’t seem to cohere.
I am intrigued by the idea of a female statistician.? But it seems to me that her skill set is a throw away in this premise.? I would be more interested in a story where the inciting incident arises from her character strength, her statistical chops,.? ?For example, while? data mining? she notices a statistical pattern indicating a problem or threat that no one else sees,? And no one believes her when she brings it to the attention of the powers that be.? So she takes it upon herself to solve the mystery herself, who dunnit and why.
fwiw
Again, why would a CIA agent get involved?? It’s a health problem, not a? national security problem.? The problem is outside his jurisdiction, beyond the scope of his job purview.
When counterfeit ED drugs kill men, Big Pharma?s sales plummet. They withhold campaign donations until the CIA teams an agent with a pharmaceutical statistician to track down the culprits.
You obviously?have a story in your head that isn’t quite making it into the 25 word logline.
If this story is not written yet, then my best advice is, make it personal.
Someone she cares about dies because of the counterfeit?ED drugs
-or-
She is personally accused of being responsible for the deaths and she must clear her name.