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BEARDPenpusher
Posted: February 17, 20162016-02-17T04:25:21+10:00 2016-02-17T04:25:21+10:00In: Comedy

Trying to protect garden from carrot thieves, bakeries stoker get in trouble all his family against a gypsy smuggler.

Trying to protect garden from carrot thieves, bakeries stoker get in trouble all his family against a gypsy smuggler.
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    2 Reviews

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    1. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2016-02-17T11:39:37+10:00Added an answer on February 17, 2016 at 11:39 am

      There are several grammar errors and a few unclear words in this logline that make it difficult to understand.

      What is “…bakeries stoker…”?

      Who is the main character?

      What is the main character’s goal?

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    2. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2016-02-18T09:24:18+10:00Added an answer on February 18, 2016 at 9:24 am

      I’m still not clear on what the main character does in the bakery. According to your explanation he maintains the temperature of a boiler, this is an obscure thing to do in a bakery. Why not just make him a baker?
      Secondly, the logic of a baker needing to protect vegetables in a garden from theft is unclear. If he were the gardener or farmer then there is a clear connection between these events.

      The dramatic need in the story is vague because of the structure of the logline, try redrafting it with the inciting incident first and then force the main character to take action as a result.

      I think the theft of carrots from a garden doesn’t have high enough stakes, is there anything else the thieves could steal that would be more valuable? Perhaps a field of carrots? The amount could raise the stakes. Unless, of course, this is a children’s story in which case the message will be clear with a few carrots from a garden and the stakes don’t need to be very high.

      Lastly what is his goal? How long does he need to protect the garden for, a month, a year? Best to define a specific reason or period of time for him to protect the garden, than an unspecified deceleration of his intent.

      For example:
      After a band of gypsies steal carrots from his field, a farmer must protect his farm and family from hordes of gypsies in order to deliver his crop to the annual market.

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