Sisters
Twelve-year old twin sisters, jealous of their father?s affection for his new bride, plot to do away with the untested stepmother, not knowing that she has similar plans for them.
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This is much better than the original logline.
You’ve given the twin sisters a clear goal and even an obstacle which is always good.
The inciting incident could perhaps be a little clearer. As in, ‘When their fathers affection for them is taken by his new bride’ but even that is just me being pedantic.
On the whole, good work
Yes, much better. A good story hook.
Even more succinctly:
Twelve-year old twin sisters, jealous of their father?s new bride, plot to murder their stepmother, even as she plots to murder them.
Sounds good.
Those are some crazy 12 year olds.
Thanks much.
Still working on this logline business. I think the log line will end up being my lifeline. Thanks for the incite.
The Parent (Death) Trap
Luv it!