Two jaded mercenaries journey to a deadly planet to retrieve a priceless mineral only to learn a massive electromagnetic pulse will soon disable their only means of escape.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
Two jaded mercenaries journey to a deadly planet to retrieve a priceless mineral only to learn a massive electromagnetic pulse will soon disable their only means of escape.
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Underwood:
True, you can’t understand the entire story from a logline, but a reader should be able to understand the trajectory of the story, who the main character is and where the story is going (but not where it arrives).
So in terms of that criterion your logline is okay .? Although it lacks an explicit inciting incident.? So I’m assuming it’s implicit; they’re greedy guys who’ve found a source of a priceless metal and? hope to cash in.
But? in this iteration, that doesn’t concern me so much.? What concerns me is that I don’t see in the logline? an emotional hook,? a good reason why an audience would be curious about the outcome and why they would care about the outcome.?
Why should an audience care about two jaded and greedy guys who seem to be pursuing a McGuffin? for a purely selfish reason?? ?I mean, is that all that matters to them, getting rich off the mineral?? ?Is there a greater good , a higher motivation to their struggle?
you can’t understand the entire movie from a logline.? I’ve redone the logline and posted it.? But questions are good.
Is it really the same story with the backdrop of the economic collapse? Are the mercenaries human?
If we don’t root for them to succeed, then is it a comeuppance or cautionary tale, so to speak?
An example with some missing components and more of a mental picture: After stealing a priceless mineral on an alien planet, two (protags)? must battle a psychotic gang and reach their ship before? a storm grounds them permanently.?
Details will shift the story and tone, if we root for them or not, if it’s about greed or desperation, the specific antag, etc.? “Jaded mercenaries” doesn’t sound quite right for this scenario.
A longer logline may be needed to cover the essentials. For example: In the aftermath of a global economic collapse, two desperate former soldiers stumble upon a portal that transports them to an alien planet. After stealing a priceless mineral…before a storm destroys the portal.
The problem I have with both versions is that I see no rooting value in the premise,? no reason for wanting the two characters to succeed.? ? The global economy has collapsed? which means billions of people are suffering– but? so what? They are pursuing the priceless mineral for their own greed? (they’re jaded mercenaries) their own private gain — to hell with everyone on planet earth.? The story needs to give me a worthwhile cause so that I will care about what happens to them,? a compelling reason to want them to succeed.