Inner Battle
jamesmichaelPenpusher
"Two world-class cage fighters find themselves entangled in a secret, gay love affair with one another. Risking all they?ve battled for, with devastating consequences and a powerful climax."
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Steven: “Take out the ‘gay’ angle, and you have essentially a copy of the currently-screening film ?Warrior?. Including the gay angle does not add much of substance to the pitch. This may work as a porno film, but not as a regular one.”
Nina: “I would omit the second sentence and replace it with a description of what the life and death risks of getting found out are for them. The ?powerful climax? should be in our imagination once we know what they are up against ? no need to tell us.”
Dave: “Two cage fighters in a love affair sounds interesting. The last sentence doesn’t give too much away in regard their story. It may be a duel journey also – I’m not sure which character it would be about. ‘Risking all they’ve battled for’ doesn’t tell me what they really believe in or battled through (in their life or just the second act?) and then ‘devastating consequences’ sounds interesting but I don’t see who they effect and why that could be bad. Also, ‘Powerful climax’ only really signals a ‘good’ third act, which, though interesting, I expected and hoped for. An Interesting concept. It just needs to be a little clearer on the whats and the whys.”
Hi jamesmichael,
The premise is interesting, but I’d like to know which of the cage fighters carries the theme and what’s standing in their way. The stakes seem to be pretty clear – they’re in a relationship that’s looked upon as a ‘bad thing’ in the circle of people they generally associate with. But what’s at stake? What exactly are they risking? Their careers? Friendships? Status?
Otherwise, I’d recommend removing the part about ‘devastating consequences’ and a ‘powerful climax’ – if it didn’t have these to some degree I’d be surprised. If it’s a tragedy however, it’s not quite clear enough as you could just as easily be referring to the ‘darkest hour/all is lost’ aspect of the story.
Hope this is useful.
Cheers
Chris
I agree with everyone here.? To say there are “devastating consequences” is too vague, and a “powerful climax” is on the verge of pandering.? It sounds like a great premise. I can picture the inner struggle they each have when they discover they’re scheduled to beat the s#!? out of each other…especially if it’s a title bout. Give us some emotional context to their “risk,” both with their careers and their relationship.