Logliner
Posted: 2017-10-03T00:23:45+10:00 In:

While digging a murdered girls grave, the church hired hand unearths a bible from 1500 BC and he soon come to grips that it’s the only one written that?has the 11th Commandment and Honor Thy Children and in an instant is transformed to protect all children or die trying.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Considering that this in the action category, it really doesn’t suggest any action other than spiritual. Shouldn’t the holy experience persuade the hunter to seek justice against the murderous one(s)?

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    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Again, what DPG wrote…

      I’ll only add that the inciting incident, in this case finding the Bible, should be made into a more significant event. If anything, it should be sent to him by a divine power – make it an event out of his own control that shakes his world up, instead of a find of his own doing. This way, he is forced into the situation and made to have to deal with it.

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    3. Best Answer
      Singularity

      This logline has an interesting flip on the 5th commandment that children should honor their parents.

      But I have a hard time buying into the setup .? ?That the girl was murdered sends mixed signals as to what the story is about, what I can expect — even fear — may happen to him if he takes this 11th commandment seriously.

      And why would he believe that this “bible” he has uncovered is no ordinary book, that he must take it’s 11th commandment as a divine mandate?? ?That’s quite a leap of instant faith for the protagonist — and for the audience.

      And how does the hunter translate that mandate into — here I go again — a specific objective goal?? IOW: what plot follows from his discovery?

      And further: what character flaw or vulnerability of the protagonist does this 11th commandment play into — what conflict does it create in his own life and soul?? Is he’s an “old school”, hard- line, hard-shell fundamentalist who believes that it’s the divine duty of children to blindly honor and obey their parents?

      All in all, I think this is an interesting concept in search of solid plot vehicle to take it where it wants to go.

      fwiw

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