Mentor
Posted: 2016-07-26T13:26:44+10:00 In:

After she’s betrayed doing a one time mission for the government, a broke data smuggler must decode the data packet encrypted in her brain to use as a bargaining chip for her life.

Repost: Mind Games

Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    8 Reviews

    1. Mentor

      I would say she took the one off job as she is broke, and the want is to get what’s in her head out so can bargain it for her life and maybe a bit of cash.

      The smuggler being the focus is fine that’s who I would like to focus the story on

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      As CraigDGriffiths said. ?What is the want? ?Why has she undertaken such a dangerous and unusual assignment? ? What’s in it ?for her?

      And in the current version, the story seems to turn on actions of the smuggler, not the transporter. ?Working out the solution to the dramatic problem is the protagonist’s job.. ?Which would seem to make the smuggler the protagonist, not the transporter.

      • 0
    3. Mentor

      Thanks for the tip, I changed it slightly so she now has a more defined goal of wanting to get the information out of her head in exchange for her life. As while it is inside of her she is a target.

      • 0
    4. Uberwriter

      What does she want? What is aim? This maybe a way into the story.

      • 0
    5. Singularity

      The concept is getting clearer, but the structure betrays you sir or ma’am.

      Why not mention the government framing her earlier as the inciting incident, and then describe how she?reacts to this .
      After being framed by her handler a data transport agent must ?access the data stored in her head in order to save her life.

      • 0
    6. Mentor

      Alt Version – Using her mind to encrypt and courier data packets, a broke smuggler takes a job for the government, but is betrayed and must unscramble what’s in her head to survive.

      • 0
    7. Mentor

      Also because encrypted you don’t know what you have in your own head.

      • 0
    8. Singularity

      Now the concept is getting interesting.

      The logline is vaguely similar to the premise of the 1995 movie “Johnny Mnemonic”, a William Gibson adaptation of his own short story. ?It’s about a courier who transports secure data packages in his brain.

      However, I think the concept was poorly executed in the 1995 movie. ?And now it’s so out of date with current technology. ?But ?the concept is so cool, it’s time for a rethink, a reboot.

      For me the hook of your story would be using humans as couriers to transmit super-sensitive encrypted data packages because the Internet is hopelessly riddled with security holes. ?(Which it is and will be despite all the patchwork solutions.)

      So I ?suggest you continue to refocus and polish your idea. ?As I said, somebody’s going to reboot the premise. May it be your story that gets the green light.

      fwiw

      • 0