Logliner
Posted: 2017-03-13T17:36:20+10:00 In:

After being framed for assault, an indigenous basketballer from the Australian outback, must prove himself innocent before his scholarship to play for a college in the USA expires.

After being framed for assault, an indigenous basketballer from the Australian outback, must prove himself innocent before his scholarship to play for a college in the USA expires.
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    8 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Logliner

      I know there’s two sets of stakes here. The threat of imprisonment and losing the opportunity to play the big leagues. Is this a bad thing story wise or does it just make it more dramatic? This character has a lot of back story which I felt unnecessary to expose in the logline.
      To cut it as short as possible her goes; as a boy Jake spent 8 years on the run with his father who stole him from his mother and ‘went bush’. There he learns hard bush skills taught by his father and an amazing ability to play basketball as they camped near a large farm house where the owners had there own court. Jake played daily when the owners of the farmhouse left each morning. His old man coached him. The kid is good…
      His father was eventually caught and shot dead and Jake was sent to foster homes where he didn’t fit in and eventually assaulted someone sending Jake to do some time in juvenile prison. Now that he’s released he has an opportunity to turn his life around. If he goes back inside this time it won’t be juvenile detention but the big house as he turns 18 not long after being released.
      My apologies for the long back story but if the above logline doesn’t work I’m open to suggestions.
      BTW the story begins with MC being released from Juvi. All back story will be unravelled throughout the script.
      Shoot straight… As I know you do.

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    2. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      “After being set up for a crime which forces him on the run, a young mind blowing basketball player must prove his innocence, before an opportunity to travel to the USA and play for a scholarship expires.”

      I think you can cut the “forces him on the run” part.

      After being framed for a crime, a young basketball player must prove his innocence before a scholarship to a USA college expires. ?(22)

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    3. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      I would take out the “mind blowing” part to a basketball player. Can’t recall any BB player ever blowing my mind before.

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    4. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >>Small country town Australia. But I thought it?d be too wordy cramming all that info in.

      Depends on who you intend to pitch the movie to. ?If you’re pitching it to Australian producers, then I guess they’ll assume it’s set in their country. ?Otherwise, I don’t think it’s safe to ?assume producers in other countries will assume the setting is Australian, even if they know that’s where you’re from. ? Just add ?something like “a talented basketball player from a small Australian town” ? or “a talented baskeball player from the Australian outback” if that is the case.

      Which, btw, I think is better than “mind blowing” for the reasons stated above. ?And because it provides a relevant framework for the struggle the protagonist faces: ?he’s a boy from small town “nowhere” struggling to make it somewhere big ,in the US of A, the epicenter of basketball.

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    5. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      “After being set up for a crime which forces him on the run,”

      Can this be simplified, such as:? A vagabond basketball player…

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    6. Best Answer
      Logliner

      Thanks for the feedback all, and again I agree with most of what you’re saying. I have put together two alternative versions based on our discussions and your quality feedback. I personally think Option 2 is where I’m heading to begin my writing as I feel Option 1 may have too much unnecessary back story. If anyone begs to differ or has an alternative version I’m open to seeing it. My only thoughts on the new versions are that we now don’t know he’s on the run trying to prove his innocence. Is this necessary?

      Option 1
      After being framed for assault, a talented Australian basketball player recently released from a small town juvenile detention must prove his innocence before a scholarship to a USA college expires. (30)

      Option 2
      After being framed for assault, a talented basketball player from the Australian outback, must prove his innocence before a chance to play for a college scholarship in the USA expires. (30)

      • 0
    7. Best Answer
      Singularity

      I would raise the stakes as they are not high enough (in my opinion) as it is written now. Firstly, best you specify a person whom would generally be considered as someone facing greater challenges than most people, in other words, a person of a minority background. I suggest you make the character Aboriginal Australian, this will describe the main character as an Australian without needing to specify it and it will assign him a degree of social handicap (whether true or not is irrelevant – it’s the perception that matters most). This is his one chance to get a better life…

      The other way you could raise the stakes is by making the crime a more severe one such as murder, and changing it so he already has the scholarship – if the deadline is for him to make it to the college by a certain date or forfeit the scholarship there’s more for him to lose.

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    8. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >>>It?s funny you say aboriginal Australian because that?s exactly what he is. I just didn?t find it necessary to add into the logline as it stood.

      I think it is essential, part of the story hook.

      And it certainly matters when it comes to casting.

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