When a basketball star learns of his own childhood abduction, his guilty mother becomes a vengeful rival, jeopardizing his shot at championship glory.

I like how the pitch is given in terms of tone and the active language, but there is something that’s confusing me. If the mother is a vengeful rival, is she playing basketball against him? If she’s old enough to be his mother, isn’t she too old to be playing professional basketball? Was she responsible for his abduction, therefore why she’s guilty, or does she just feel guilty? It ends up raising more questions than answers.

It really does depend if the mother is playing basketball too, but if she’s just trying to botch his shot at being in the championships, I don’t think rival is the right word your looking for. You should also clarify if she’s responsible for this abduction, if it’s something revealed early in the story. If it’s a plot twist, though, you may want to take out abduction and make it like, “secret about his childhood,” so you don’t spoil your twist.