When a bitter war-veteran befriends a rough sixteen-year-old girl they discover a common sense of hopelessness, however, when she becomes indebted to a sleazy drug dealer, he must rediscover the war-hero within to save her.
KWLogliner
When a bitter war-veteran befriends a rough sixteen-year-old girl they discover a common sense of hopelessness, however, when she becomes indebted to a sleazy drug dealer, he must rediscover the war-hero within to save her.
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There may be a compelling redemption through rescue story in this logline.? But I’m not yet sure, not yet hooked enough to see how it plays out in a full script.? Why?
Because film is a visual medium.? So what is the visual for “they discover a common sense of hopelessness”?? What is the outer physical manifestation of the inner mental state of hopelessness?? Are they both drug abusers?? Is it that how they initially connect?
Similarly for “rediscover the war-hero within”.? ?How does that translate into specific, visual external action?
My point is that every action element in a logline should be described in concrete terms that reference external objects and actions, not internal states of mind (“discover a common sense of hopelessness”) or subjective issues (“rediscover the war-heo within”).
Finally, I suggest the young girl’s peril needs to be made specific.? That is, in what way must she settle her debt with the dealer?? What must the war vet rescue her from? Becoming a mule?? A? dealer?? A prostitute?? Don’t tease — tell.
fwiw
Agreed with DPG.
It reads similar to Taxi Driver, not sure if that was intentional or not but it does. Her becoming indebted sounds like the inciting incident if so you could restructure the logline so it starts with that. However, her debt seems like an uncompelling event for the MC, why not change it so she is the MC?
I find that her story is more interesting than his – how she ended up on the streets, how she got mixed up in drugs and how she will pull herself out of that life, these all make her story rather interesting.
Just a thought.
It has clarity and interesting plot points. I’d try to smoothen it out a bit and maybe shorten it as well.
I don’t care for the “however” transition within the logline.