When a building closes up for the night, locking an ordinary employee inside, the employee finds a beautiful woman that turns his night in a living horror and psychological terror in which he must survive the night to make it end.
LeviathanSamurai
When a building closes up for the night, locking an ordinary employee inside, the employee finds a beautiful woman that turns his night in a living horror and psychological terror in which he must survive the night to make it end.
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I’ve taken the time and put all you questions into the logline while still keep everything intact (hopefully).
So let’s see how this one goes and appears.
When a supervisor of a large dining facility is accidentally locked inside, the supervisor finds a woman who seems to know everything about him, including his deepest fear. Soon his night takes a turn for the worst nightmare of his life, in which the only way to survive it is to survive the night.
Let’s see where that one goes.
What kind of building?
What kind of employee?
What type of person is he?
And why can’t he just leave the building?
What kind of living horror and psychological terror?
I like the contained nature, the stakes, the goal – but the setup needs to be more specific if you want to hook an audience.
This is too long and doesn’t read well as there’s repetition, grammar errors, and a lack of detail that cloud the premise.
A logline needs to describe the story from the MC’s point of view, so: After he is locked in for the night, a meek office worker must…
“…a living horror…” – what does this mean in a practical sense? What makes it a living horror?
“…psychological terror…” – in what way? What does she do to him?
“…must survive the night to make it end…” – that’s a given, but how will he do it? What will he do to survive?
It’s these details that will make this story interesting, best you rewrite the logline with more detail in it. That doesn’t mean adding many more words, rather replace the existing ones with good examples of what will happen.