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Lemmy CautionPenpusher
When a deadly soil-borne virus is released in Canberra, an obsessed scientist battles military and political forces to save the city from pre-emptive destruction.
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Why Canberra?… and what is “Flip”?
Haha. Are you sure you want to set it in Canberra? Syd, Melb, Perth, Adelaide all seem a bit more “at stake”. Albury even! But seriously, the logline has some interest for me, suggesting some large and evil conspiracy. As a vector, I’m struggling to see “soil-borne” as something with urgency. “Pre-emptive”? Does that word add anything? If so it is not clear how it changes the destruction. Is annihilation a better word than destruction – but then it is Canberra and a myriad public servants we are staking, Haha. The scientist is “obsessed”. Again, does the word add anything in the context? It is hard to see how a scientific obsession relates to battling the virus or the politico-military axis of evil / good (depending on your view of the worth of Canberra and public servants). Good luck with it. BTW, not familiar with Flip.
See below. The Big Flip is a previous logline which had big problems.
Yes, for a number of reasons it must be set in Canberra (no matter what your parochial view, it is the capital city of Australia). A virus with soil as host (not a human or animal) , accidentally released from the CSIRO labs, reproducing exponentially, like a mycelium ring, will reach the outskirts of Canberra in x months. The army proposes to destroy the city with a nuclear weapon to save the rest of Australia, the politicians abandon the city. But our scientist believes he can control the virus with something simple, if only…
Thanks for your comments. I’ll re-think “pre-emptive”, “obsessed”, etc.
Does sound similar to the basic premise in Outbreak maybe too similar…?
That said it could still be structured in a way that may still prove different/interesting enough to work.
The inciting incident raises too many questions to be a good event.
Who? How and When?
In your post above you mentioned the CSIRO were responsible but this would be too cryptic an acronym for anyone outside of Australia. Perhaps best to specify; After a secret government lab accidentally leaks a deadly virus…
The MC description needs to relate to an obstacle that will hinder his efforts perhaps if he has been alienated from the scientific community somehow it would be harder for him to convince them.
Also better to specify that he needs to prevent the military from nuking the town this is a very clear goal with huge stakes at hand.
Lastly I posted on another of your loglines regarding the 25 word limit, it is a recommendation only. Better to use less words but not a must especially if you are using the loglin to help structure the plot as appose to pitch the idea.
Hope this helps.
Food for thought. The 25 word limit is mandatory in this case. So let’s try this:
“When a deadly soil-borne virus escapes from a laboratory, a discredited scientist battles to save the city from being nuked by the military.”
Your last draft of the logline reads very well and has all the story elements a logline needs. I would change “when” to After as the MC would likely take action only after the inciting incident.
I take it from your last post that you are either pitching or submitting this so good luck.
Just caught up with this again. I’m Australian hence the Canberra bashing – no offense intended. Your latest is way better. Still question the need to specify “soil borne” unless you need to signal a slowed-down process (and maybe “a creeping virus” would better describe your situation. If Canberra is a must then “capital city” makes it clearer and raises the stakes.
Good luck with it.