The Sacrifice
BennethLogliner
When a disguised terrorist on a mission in his country sets him up in a train bomb attack, a dropout battles to evacuate panicking passengers who will be killed in his name.
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Hi, it’s a good idea. However it took me some time to work out that your protagonist is the dropout. Perhaps move him to the start of your log line?
Also is this a short? I’m not sure the action as described will make 90 minutes.
Just my 2c worth. ..
Although I don’t yet feel I’m qualified to give too much advice on loglines I still felt confused by a couple of things in your logline.
– “sets him up in a train bomb” – Who sets who up in a train bomb? The disguised terrorist sets up the? drop out?
– ” dropout” – I thought this may be too broad a term. Does this really best describe you’re protagonists flaws?
I felt the sentence was a bit long and I had to read it a few times for it to make sense. My apologies if I sound too critical but I do think it could be quite a nice action packed story.
The dropout is a character discription that isn’t that specific. ?So try for something else. ?In a previous version, I think the terrorist was the teacher/professor. ?So rather than say how he left study, perhaps just ex-student. ?Does it even progress the story?
“discovering a bomb on a train and realising he has been framed as the bomber by his sleeper cell terrorist ex-professor. A (description ) must try and evacuate passenger before it explodes saving the people and his reputation”
The last bit may not be needed. ?But this is first draft attempt.