When a less than confident daughter attends her parents wild 60th Wedding Anniversary Party without her husband, her image obsessed mother nit-picks her to reveal that her marriage is over.
uniqueequinePenpusher
When a less than confident daughter attends her parents wild 60th Wedding Anniversary Party without her husband, her image obsessed mother nit-picks her to reveal that her marriage is over.
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1: You seem to be missing a goal for the lead character.
2: Less than confident, 3 words—Insecure; one word. In a logline, less is better…
3: You describer her as a ‘daughter’, then two words later tell us she is attending her ‘parents‘ anniversary. If she has parents then we know she is a daughter by default. Therefore instead of describing her as a ‘daughter’ try using a different word. For instance: “When an insecure accountant attends her parents wild anniversary bash…”
By using the word accountant in my example, it helps the reader understand how this is a fish out of water story. Accountants are seen as ‘reserved’ but she is attending a ‘wild’ anniversary bash. In other words, we see the potential conflict.
Hope this helps
Agree with Richiev across the board.
Without a goal it’s very difficult to see where this story goes. By using “insecure” it suggests that the character’s arc will go from shy to confident . Is that the case? I like the premise of this, I can imagine the scenario quite clearly but the problem I’m having is that all I can currently see is scenes where the mother points out her daughter’s flaws… that won’t sustain a 90min+ runtime.
When you say “wild” what do you mean? In my head, a “wild party” conjures up images of keys in a bowl, beer chugging, drugs, etc. But this is a 60th wedding anniversary… so I imagine that’s not the case. I guess the point I’m making is that the words you use are the only thing you have to represent your story – so make their meaning as clear as possible. Lavish / extravagant / glamorous / swanky ?- these are all words I think are possibly better fits and tie in with the mother’s image obsession.
Hope this helps.
Hi uniqueequine,
I agree with everything said above but also want to add a few things:
1) fix your spelling/grammar at the end:
image-obsessed mother nitpicks her, revealing that her marriage is over.
2) The end statement about revealing that her marriage is over doesn’t provide us with an action for the daughter. What does she do after realizing her mother is right? Get drunk and sleep with her father’s best friend? Her mother nitpicking her is not the story but what she does as a result IS.
Also, you don’t need to capitalize “wedding anniversary party” and it’s “parents'” with an apostrophe since it’s possessive.
Good luck!