Singularity
Posted: 2020-02-24T10:28:12+10:00 In:

When a machete-wielding crew chases a young gang member, he?s forced to drive incognito with a Hassidic geriatric to complete a drug run.

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    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Hassidic?

      Okay,? so why not also make the kid Jewish? Non-observant. (Or at least 1/2 Jewish. )

      Or if you really want to get the Hassidic’s knickers in a wad,, have the kid’s father be an Aborigine. Oy vey!

      Anyway, have the Hassidic scholar rebuke him for the path his life is going down.? Have an honest-to-Elohim conflict of age, culture race,, ethics, the Torah and the Talmud.

      If you’re going to throw two people in the same car for the duration of a long ride, give them something to argue about.

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    2. Singularity

      Updated version:

      After a rival gang murder his partner, a drug runner goes incognito with a Hasidic geriatric to hunt down the killers so he can complete his deliveries.

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    3. Singularity

      Them chasing him is the action. But I want to know what causes them to chase him in the first place. There has to be a motivation to understand why it’s so important that he evades them. It’s a bit two-dimensional at present. This will also help with understanding who our protagonist is. At present, he’s just a “young gang member”. I think we need more from both sides to really feel the story.

      Is he part of the same crew? If not, I think it would be worth making it clear that it’s a rival gang (as Trix pointed out).

      As soon as he goes incognito, surely that’s the end of the chase? This is why we need more motivation for the bad guys. We need to know that they’ll stop at nothing to get him because he’s done something to them.

      Why do we need to know they are “machete wielding”? Tell us they’re a rival gang and we understand what’s at stake. Admittedly, “machete wielding” is visual but I can’t help but think telling me they will stop at nothing to catch this guy would give me a lot more plot to imagine. I also think, given that the plot takes place in a car (as it currently stands), and to kill by machete requires close proximity, the protagonist feels very safe to me. If they had guns, suddenly it feels more threatening.

      What is the purpose of the hassidic geriatric? Plot-wise and story-wise?

      He’s “forced to drive incognito”. By who? A protagonist should be proactive. He’s not pushing the plot forward currently, he’s being pulled. Why is he forced to drive incognito?

      Rather than the MC being a “young gang member” maybe he’s a gang-banger wannabe. He’s delivering the drugs run as his initiation. Then maybe, the guy who’s asleep on the backseat of the car he hijacks is an ex-gangmember ex-con who’s seen the error of his ways. Now there’s an interesting situation and I immediately understand why you’d put these two together.

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    4. Samurai

      Hi Nir,

      It still feels like something is missing to me. ?My thoughts are:

      • The machete-wielding element now has more relevance because he has to run away from something life-threatening, but still feels a bit soft?
      • Is he part of their crew or in a different gang? ?I think it may help to flesh out the conflict and make it clearer who is who.
      • The geriatric – as in Hasidic Judaism? ?I preferred the old curmudgeon as I could immediately see the conflict, however the Judaism feels a little arbitrary. ?Is there a specific reason you chose this religious belief?
      • It sounds like he completes the drug run… and then what?
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    5. Samurai

      You know that you can use the ‘bump’ feature to send your logline to the top, right? 😉

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    6. Singularity

      Hey all,

      This was posted a while back and received some feedback. As I’m interested in people’s opinions on the logline, this is a repost with a new version.

      Thanks for your help.

      Nir.

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