Sick (3rd draft, Extreme Horror)
When a mass murder shuts down production on an Arctic oil rig, an ambitious young oil exec is charged with managing the crisis only to be thrust into a battle for survival as an ancient fungus co-opts the first responders turning them into violent spore spreading rapists.
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That’s completely different to the first version. That reads very sinister. The first version was a bit like a 60’s “carry on” movie. This is only word choice and comes down to writing style. I personally would use infects instead of co-opts, I would use massacre instead of mass murder, I think it implies no survivors.
The other lines were not BAD, but this the GOOD. Well done.
That’s completely different to the first version. That reads very sinister. The first version was a bit like a 60’s “carry on” movie. This is only word choice and comes down to writing style. I personally would use infects instead of co-opts, I would use massacre instead of mass murder, I think it implies no survivors.
The other lines were not BAD, but this the GOOD. Well done.
This draft of the logline incorporates a new element with no benefit to the story.
How is the mass murder connected to the ancient fungus? Is the MC fighting the mass murder, the fungus or the infected people? What does your MC want more than anything in the world?
The mass murder element adds another inciting incident to a separate plot in an already complicated logline that lacks a clear cause and effect relationship between its plot elements.
MC – oil executive
MC flaw – ?
Inciting incident – Mass killings? Fungus discovery?
MC inner goal – ?
MC outer goal – Stop the mass murder? Stop the fungus? Stop the infected people?
Outer goal obstacle – ?
Antagonist – Mass murderer? Fungus?
Main action taken by the MC – ?
If you could definitively answer the above question marks with a single answer (by this I mean for example: stop the mass murder not stop the mass murder and stop the fungus) we can then help you structure a cohesive logline for your main plot.
Hope this helps.
This draft of the logline incorporates a new element with no benefit to the story.
How is the mass murder connected to the ancient fungus? Is the MC fighting the mass murder, the fungus or the infected people? What does your MC want more than anything in the world?
The mass murder element adds another inciting incident to a separate plot in an already complicated logline that lacks a clear cause and effect relationship between its plot elements.
MC – oil executive
MC flaw – ?
Inciting incident – Mass killings? Fungus discovery?
MC inner goal – ?
MC outer goal – Stop the mass murder? Stop the fungus? Stop the infected people?
Outer goal obstacle – ?
Antagonist – Mass murderer? Fungus?
Main action taken by the MC – ?
If you could definitively answer the above question marks with a single answer (by this I mean for example: stop the mass murder not stop the mass murder and stop the fungus) we can then help you structure a cohesive logline for your main plot.
Hope this helps.
To be honest when I read that first line about a mass murder shutting down the Arctic oil rig the fungus part turned me off. When I clicked on the logline I just had the impression it might be a cool survival story. Not to downplay the fungus. That is really interesting. I’m not sure of the genre. Who are we rooting for? Why do we care about their survival? I like the concept ( where did you get the idea for this???) I am jealous, which is a good sign!
To be honest when I read that first line about a mass murder shutting down the Arctic oil rig the fungus part turned me off. When I clicked on the logline I just had the impression it might be a cool survival story. Not to downplay the fungus. That is really interesting. I’m not sure of the genre. Who are we rooting for? Why do we care about their survival? I like the concept ( where did you get the idea for this???) I am jealous, which is a good sign!
More great feedback. Thank you.
The basic story is that an oil rig up in the Chukchi Sea brings up a primordial fungus that infects the crew and co-opts them to spread itself–a la the zombie ant fungus. This works by amping up their libido exponentially–a la They Came From Within. One person on the rig is not infected because he was taking an antifungal treatment for fungus on his feet. The final result is a massive murder scene with one survivor who is babbling insane. That’s all backstory to the opening and therefore just the setup. The MC is stationed in Barrow, Alaska and it is his job to manage the crisis for the corporation. His flaw is that he is suffering from the flu but there is nobody else to handle this, and he is terrified of losing his job. At one point he is overwhelmed by the brutality of the situation and exhausted from his illness and he passes out. (I’m skipping a lot of details here) He comes to in the hospital where he begins to discover that the infection is spreading through the staff. He, and a couple of other staff go into survival mode as they try to escape but find there exits blocked. All the while, he is slowly becoming one of the infected as well.
More great feedback. Thank you.
The basic story is that an oil rig up in the Chukchi Sea brings up a primordial fungus that infects the crew and co-opts them to spread itself–a la the zombie ant fungus. This works by amping up their libido exponentially–a la They Came From Within. One person on the rig is not infected because he was taking an antifungal treatment for fungus on his feet. The final result is a massive murder scene with one survivor who is babbling insane. That’s all backstory to the opening and therefore just the setup. The MC is stationed in Barrow, Alaska and it is his job to manage the crisis for the corporation. His flaw is that he is suffering from the flu but there is nobody else to handle this, and he is terrified of losing his job. At one point he is overwhelmed by the brutality of the situation and exhausted from his illness and he passes out. (I’m skipping a lot of details here) He comes to in the hospital where he begins to discover that the infection is spreading through the staff. He, and a couple of other staff go into survival mode as they try to escape but find there exits blocked. All the while, he is slowly becoming one of the infected as well.
I think this version should do it:
When an apparent mass murder shuts down production on an Arctic oil rig, a feverish junior oil exec is charged with managing the crisis only to find himself thrust into a battle for survival as an ancient fungus infects the first responders co-opting them into violent spore spreading rapists.
This keeps it to the 50 word max I have allowed myself. It also hits the major beats of the story. The protagonist is summed up including his being ill. The antagonist is rather clearly stated and so is the conflict–survival! It is a Pandora’s Box meets Monster in the House story.
Thank you all for your help. This has been very instructive.
MLD
I think this version should do it:
When an apparent mass murder shuts down production on an Arctic oil rig, a feverish junior oil exec is charged with managing the crisis only to find himself thrust into a battle for survival as an ancient fungus infects the first responders co-opting them into violent spore spreading rapists.
This keeps it to the 50 word max I have allowed myself. It also hits the major beats of the story. The protagonist is summed up including his being ill. The antagonist is rather clearly stated and so is the conflict–survival! It is a Pandora’s Box meets Monster in the House story.
Thank you all for your help. This has been very instructive.
MLD
Michael.
I know you are excited about the idea and I share your enthusiasm for writing in that respect as one has to be excited as you are to be able to write. However if I may be frank (as I am known all to well for being…) I think your intensions are blinding you from understanding the comments given regarding the concept. I say this only because I want to help you in the most constructive way I can.
There appears to be little if any cause and effect relationship (in the logline) between the mass murder and the oil exec battling fungus infected people this is the crux of the problem with the concept.
In my mind only after finding a solution to this problem will this logline be worth while developing into a script. Note the list of simple questions I posted above it would do a lot of good to answer these in point form single answers to help clarify the concept for yourself.
In detail regarding your recent posts.
“…a primordial fungus that infects the crew and co-opts them to spread itself?a la the zombie ant fungus. This works by amping up their libido exponentially?a la They Came From Within.”
an interesting idea will need clarification via exposition early on in act one though. Can you risk dedicating one or two scenes to exposition so early on?
“That?s all backstory to the opening and therefore just the setup.” If so this need not be in the logline.
“The MC is stationed in Barrow, Alaska and it is his job to manage the crisis for the corporation…” this is a vague description of his job as we can’t envisage what manage a crisis means. Will he be the only person allowed on the oil rig? Will he be giving news interviews and speaking on behalf of the company? Will he be attending the homes of the victims families? Better to use specifics than general vague descriptions.
“His flaw is that he is suffering from the flu…” This is not a character flaw this is a medical condition easily curable at that. A flaw requires your character to over come an obstacle stopping him from changing into a better person. This is what will enable your character to arch over the story from being one way to being another way by the end. The external journey of achieving the main plot goal acts as a metaphor for his inner journey to becoming a better human being.
“He comes to in the hospital where he begins to discover that the infection is spreading through the staff.” The MC arrived at the location of act 3 by chance not his own doing. There he will fight the bad thing and save the day thanks to luck. He was brought to this place making him a passive protagonist Aristotle pleaded play writes of his time to not do this and his please still stand today.
I hope this helps.
Michael.
I know you are excited about the idea and I share your enthusiasm for writing in that respect as one has to be excited as you are to be able to write. However if I may be frank (as I am known all to well for being…) I think your intensions are blinding you from understanding the comments given regarding the concept. I say this only because I want to help you in the most constructive way I can.
There appears to be little if any cause and effect relationship (in the logline) between the mass murder and the oil exec battling fungus infected people this is the crux of the problem with the concept.
In my mind only after finding a solution to this problem will this logline be worth while developing into a script. Note the list of simple questions I posted above it would do a lot of good to answer these in point form single answers to help clarify the concept for yourself.
In detail regarding your recent posts.
“…a primordial fungus that infects the crew and co-opts them to spread itself?a la the zombie ant fungus. This works by amping up their libido exponentially?a la They Came From Within.”
an interesting idea will need clarification via exposition early on in act one though. Can you risk dedicating one or two scenes to exposition so early on?
“That?s all backstory to the opening and therefore just the setup.” If so this need not be in the logline.
“The MC is stationed in Barrow, Alaska and it is his job to manage the crisis for the corporation…” this is a vague description of his job as we can’t envisage what manage a crisis means. Will he be the only person allowed on the oil rig? Will he be giving news interviews and speaking on behalf of the company? Will he be attending the homes of the victims families? Better to use specifics than general vague descriptions.
“His flaw is that he is suffering from the flu…” This is not a character flaw this is a medical condition easily curable at that. A flaw requires your character to over come an obstacle stopping him from changing into a better person. This is what will enable your character to arch over the story from being one way to being another way by the end. The external journey of achieving the main plot goal acts as a metaphor for his inner journey to becoming a better human being.
“He comes to in the hospital where he begins to discover that the infection is spreading through the staff.” The MC arrived at the location of act 3 by chance not his own doing. There he will fight the bad thing and save the day thanks to luck. He was brought to this place making him a passive protagonist Aristotle pleaded play writes of his time to not do this and his please still stand today.
I hope this helps.
Everything Nir Shelter. The 50 word version is still confusing (and too long).
Simplify, simplify. For example, “apparent mass murder” is not the inciting incident — it’s a result of the inciting incident, the outbreak of the fungus infection. So it’s not needed in the logline — save it for the story proper.
Also the logline frames the protagonist’s role and struggle in the passive voice (“is charged with…”, “thrust into a battle…). The protagonist’s role and struggle should be stated in the active voice — with verbs that tell what he does, not what is done to him.
Everything Nir Shelter. The 50 word version is still confusing (and too long).
Simplify, simplify. For example, “apparent mass murder” is not the inciting incident — it’s a result of the inciting incident, the outbreak of the fungus infection. So it’s not needed in the logline — save it for the story proper.
Also the logline frames the protagonist’s role and struggle in the passive voice (“is charged with…”, “thrust into a battle…). The protagonist’s role and struggle should be stated in the active voice — with verbs that tell what he does, not what is done to him.