Penpusher
Posted: 2017-03-02T02:22:37+10:00 In:

When a modest, hard-working father discovers his daughter is dying, he approaches his corrupt uncle to help him find money for her treatments.

When a modest, hard-working father discovers his daughter is dying, he approaches his corrupt uncle to help him find money for her treatments.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Agreed with DPG.

      Also, a good premise will require less adjectives in the logline. It’s through the MC’s actions that the reader should be able to tell that they are a good guy or gal. What would be better to describe is the MC’s character flaw, what is it he has to overcome during the story?

      Lastly, best to describe the inciting incident as an event and sooner for example:
      After his daughter is diagnosed with terminal cancer a [good description] father must…

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    2. Singularity

      The logline has the potential for an interesting dramatic dilemma, but it needs clarity and specificity.

      For example, the treatments need to be characterized as “life saving”. ?(Because they could be just palliative.)

      More important, ?the logline needs to state what the offer is the uncle makes that “he can’t refuse”? ?What does the uncle tell him he has to do to get/earn the money he needs? Because ?the uncle isn’t going to give it to him gratis without strings attached. ?So what are the strings, what are the conditions? ? What must he do to save his daughter’s life?

      Don’t bury the hook. ?The hook of the story is not that a law-abiding man has to go begging to a corrupt uncle. ?The hook is his assignment, what he must do that compromises his principles and puts his own life at risk. ?Well, what is that hook?

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