When a portal to hell mysteriously opens, an inexperienced mage born of the hellish dimension, is the only one who can close it and bring peace to the kingdom.
GabeLogliner
When a portal to hell mysteriously opens, an inexperienced mage born of the hellish dimension, is the only one who can close it and bring peace to the kingdom.
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“When a portal to hell mysteriously opens, an inexperienced mage born of the hellish dimension, is the only one who can close it and bring peace to the kingdom.”
This logline is structurally sound and conceptually interesting. The only problem I see is that logline makes a case for why the mage?should close it rather than why he?must?close it. By that I mean, sure, ?it’s the right thing to do, but what motivates the mage to do it? What are the stakes if he doesn’t? The only description of the portal’s effects are bring mages through. What’s so bad about that? It can, of course, be implied that demons come through, so describe that rather than simply saying “bring peace to the kingdom”.
The problem lies with the inciting incident. It seems fine, it’s a specific, singular event. But an inciting incident should be an event which directly affects the protagonist, something that upends the character’s life and forever changes their status quo, forcing them from inaction into proactively pursuing their objective goal.
So, what event make the mage realize he’s the only one who can, who?must pursue this goal, who must close this portal?
Many thanks for your feedback.
‘An inciting incident should be an event which directly affects the protagonist, something that upends the character?s life and forever changes their status quo, forcing them from inaction into proactively pursuing their objective goal.’
I had a sense there was an issue in that area. Thank you for articulating it. I’ll finesse this a little more and see how I go. Cheers 🙂
Dk makes a point that this has sound elements, however, it reads poorly. I would remove that 2nd comma and speed up the read or rework it a bit altogether.
After a hell portal opens, a young mage is tasked with finding a way to close it before a great kingdom is completely destroyed.
Why does the portal open up? Or rather, who opens it up? It feels like there is a big demonic bad guy you’re hiding from the reader, and in super natural/fantasy, a story would benefit from having a clearly described antagonist.
Also, is his birth place of any significance to the story? Sounds like this description can be cut (not sure what a hellish dimension is either).?