Logliner
Posted: 2016-10-26T14:18:03+10:00 In:

When a pregnant schoolteacher learns that her father is the half-man/half-bear who slaughtered her family, she teams up with a transexual scientist to convince the monster in becoming the high school mascot.

When a pregnant schoolteacher learns that her father is the half-man/half-bear who slaughtered her family, she teams up with a transexual scientist to convince the monster in becoming the high school mascot.
Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    4 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Ok, the protagonist’s profession (schoolteacher) pays off and ties in with her goal (the highschool mascot), but other than that, I see a couple of problems:

      1. The first half or more of the logline plays like a sci-fi thriller and only the end sounds like a?comedy.
      2. The protagonist’s goal is ridiculously low-staked compared with her backstory wound of family murder and her rape.
      3. The transexual scientists pays off, neither as a transexual nor a scientist.

      In general, I see random surreal elements thrown in, that don’t make sense with each other. You could have had?surreal?elements that surprisingly make sense, but this is not the case.

      Have you written this screenplay? Does it read?well? Then, perhaps the logline does no justice to the story and you should rewrite the logline.

      Cheers.

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      The goal should related to the inciting incident.

      For an example if this were your inciting incident: “When the school mascot dies on the brink of the big game…” Then we could see how the goal would relate to the incident that set the story in motion.

      In your logline the goal sort of comes out of the blue. Your logline is heading in one direction then BOOM apropos?of nothing you give us a goal that seems to have little to do with first part of the logline.

      As a result I would tweak your logline so that the goal would be directly related to the inciting incident.

      Hope that helps, good luck!

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      What the others have said. ?Even for a comedy, why would anyone want to persuade the murderer of her family to become a high school mascot — or anything else other than a convicted prisoner doing a life sentence in prison? ?The logic of the logline just doesn’t compile and execute.

      • 0
    4. Samurai

      WEREBEAR

      When a Transphobic Baptist schoolteacher learns her father is?the half man/ half bear that accidentally?slaughtered?their family, she must team up with a flamboyant transsexual scientist to convince the shy ?monster?to become the high school’s mascot in a last minute effort to trap?the Werebear?before?it kills the entire town

      • 0