When a reserved, yet passionate ostrich gets an opportunity to work with a renowned racing trainer, he decides to push himself to the max to win a contest against the most revered racer in the town’s history.
grbrinkleyPenpusher
When a reserved, yet passionate ostrich gets an opportunity to work with a renowned racing trainer, he decides to push himself to the max to win a contest against the most revered racer in the town’s history.
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Good points from beezeebee, this is what I can glean:
“An ostrich with the help of a renowned trainer races against the town hot-shot to win”
Fill in the gaps with your story, keep going!
Hi grbrinkley.
While I can see the struggle for a reserved ostrich to win a race competition, I’m not sure I would agree this trait creates the most conflict for he goal he’s trying to achieve. As an extreme example, “clumsy” or “untalented” would be an adjective that would create much more conflict for the story, while passionate seems somewhat redundant, as we assume that’s the reason the ostrich I swilling to embark on this journey in the first place.
Another point would be the stakes, or in other words, the tangible consequences of the ostrich failing to win the tournament? Why would that event be devastating to our ostrich? Does he need money to save his sick mother? Did he fail throughout his life at whatever he touched and will give up entirely after this? I hope you see what I mean.
Last point would be that you’re missing an antagonist. In the genre you’ve picked, that would usually be a rival that is usually also the favourite to win and our ostrich is the underdog. People love to root for the underdog. Maybe it’s personal as well. The rival is someone who used to bully the ostrich, a mean cousin, an ex-girlfriend…something that will increase the conflict and stakes even further.
Also, why would a renowned racing trainer even look at our ostrich?
A finished logline in that arena would look maybe something like this:
“An untalented ostrich must beat his ex – a legendary racer he’s still in love with – in a racing competition only with the help of a rundown coach, if he wants to earn the money to save his sick mother.” That would be a way to infuse the concept with much more conflict. Hope that helps.
I appreciate the feedback and I will revise according to your notes. Thank you so much