Logliner
Posted: 2012-04-17T04:55:51+10:00 In:

When a senior police officer who does everything by the book sees her daughter being stabbed to death, what side of the law will she now be on!

Zero Tolerance

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    5 Reviews

    1. Doesn’t really make sense to me. If someone’s daughter is in the process of being stabbed (to death or not to death), there is no question of legalities at that point; one kills to protect another life.

      If I am reading this incorrectly, then forgive me.

      You could use a better adjective than “senior” for the police officer, as well as a shorter, more efficient phrase for “everything by the book” (undeviating, disciplined, dutiful, meticulous).

      Hope this helped a little!

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    2. I agree with Shark… Maybe if you work helplessly witness her daughter being stabbed.

      They went to the fair, and the cop was in the Ferris wheel, and her daughter ran off to the bathroom and while the cop was high up on the Ferris wheel she sees her daughter being stabbed in the distance, but unable to reach her in time…. the possibilities are endless.

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    3. a senior police officer who does everything by the book
      This is a good character setup. The ‘does everything by the book’ could be a thematic setup, as in some of my favorite movies: Touch of Evil and The Untouchables.

      sees her daughter being stabbed to death,
      Quite disturbing inciting incident. One could argue it may be too strong as the audience may not expect her to recover from this in the course of the movie. Often this type of event causes the main character’s ‘wound’, like Don Cobb in Inception who saw his wife die. In this case, it actually predates the start of the movie and it doesn’t happen on screen. The movie’s inciting incident is something else, happening somewhere in Act One.

      what side of the law will she now be on!
      I’m expecting that after the loss of the daughter, a new case starts and the officer’s morality is tested. Will she still play it by the book?

      Similarly, in The Untouchables, Eliot Ness plays it by the book only to see himself portrayed in the newspaper as an idiot. Will he continue play by the book in order to capture Capone? Here we have a clear objective and the question is whether he will stick to his ‘old’ morality in the course of pursuing this goal.

      What is lacking in your logline is that new goal, the new case that will test your main character’s morality. This new goal will constitute most of the story, i.e. the 2nd Act through to the 3rd Act climax.

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    4. Hi Sharkeatingman,

      Many thanks for taking the time to offer some positive feedback on my logline, and it does need rewriting. However, the ‘everything by the book’ phrase cannot be replaced by words such as (undeviating, dependable, assiduous, disciplined, conventional, dutiful, reverential, devoted, meticulous, detailed, particular, specific or especial)as these dont give the same meaning.

      Thanks again.

      Paul,

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    5. Hi Karel

      Many thanks for taking the time to offer some positive feedback on my logline and an understanding of the crux of the story. and it does need a rethink.

      As we speak am busy on rewriting the logline and a four page treatment of the screenplay.

      Thanks again.

      Paul,

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