Blood Simple (1984)
When a small club owner finds out his wife is cheating with one of his young bartenders, he hires a conniving hitman and we discover that in Texas, nothing is simple…
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I’d say ax mention of the bartender all together, i.e: “When a club owner hires a conniving hitman to kill his cheating wife, etc.”
Of course, if the bartender is the protagonist, then ignore that. 🙂
Also, you set up the characters. But I didn’t get a sense of a goal for the protagonist, or really who the protagonist is, for that matter.
So, just as an example: “When a club owner hires a conniving hitman to kill his cheating wife, he must fight for his life when the killer and his wife team up to murder him instead.”
I have no idea what your story is about, so this is just an example of how the protagonist (the husband) has a goal (survive) and a sense of the antagonist (hitman and wife).
Thanks gman, interesting points!
I’m not sure about the club, I kind of feel it establishes a connection to the bartender which is nice.
I really see what you mean about the punchline missing a joke, I tried to avoid Texas popping up twice as it’s something of an awkward word but a set up is severely lacking.
Even just a changing “small” to “Simple, rural” or something would give it more punch(line)
You end with nothing is simple in texas which is cool. I think you should allude to that in the first half of the log line. It sort feels like a punch line without a joke.
Is him owning the club important? If not then you have lots or room to change the log line.
“In good ol ______, Texas a man discovers his wife cheating with a bartender, In pain(agony, depression, whatever) he hires a conniving hitman to do the deed, and we discover that in Texas nothing is simple.”
I don’t want to completely rewrite your log-line, but you get the Idea. switch it up so that the situation you are presenting seems simple that way when you end it with “nothing is simple” the reader can then fill in the rest.