When a small teenager who wears an alien mask gets bullied and called a freak, the teenager must learn to hide from society to avoid getting bullied.
PeterKPenpusher
When a small teenager who wears an alien mask gets bullied and called a freak, the teenager must learn to hide from society to avoid getting bullied.
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Hi Peter,
When a small teenager: I guess you need to provide more info/characteristics about your lead character. Like is your teenager a boy? a girl? a student?
who wears an alien mask: Why does he/she wear an alien mask? to achieve something?
gets bullied and called a freak: By whom? the society?
the teenager must learn to hide from society: How must he/she learn to avoid the society to avoid getting bullied.
I think your story has the potential but you have not shown it in your logline successfully.
I suggest you write and share a synopsis so we would know what is going on in your story exactly.
Thanks for the feedback.
How does this sound?
When a small male teenager gets bullied and called a freak by bullies, the teenager must learn to stay invisible from the bullies to avoid getting hurt.
Here is the synopsis:
Frank is a small bullied teenager who believes he is a freak. An alien mask covers his face as a metaphor of how bullying affects how negatively people look at themselves in the mirror. While in the shower he has a breakdown and when looking in the mirror gets scared of his own reflection. On the way to school is bullied by two guys from his school. They steal his backpack and throw it between each other. Frank punches one of the bullies in the stomach and runs off with his bag, with the bullies chasing after him. Franks comes home and has a heart to heart with his brother where he reveals that he is getting bullied and believes that he will always be bullied his whole life. Frank leaves his school and moves to a new school.
There are definitely some places that I believe could be improved. I think you may have taken some of the advice too literally.
For example, is there a reason to say he’s “small” or “male”? The way you describe your character, event, and action should tell readers more of what the story is about.
Also being “bullied and called a freak by bullies” is a tautology. It doesn’t tell us anything extra about who is bullying him.
You can clean up your logline a bit, this will help its length. For example “the teenager” can be modified to “he”, which would also show he is male without using extra words to say so.
Based on your synopsis, I’m unsure if the action “must learn to stay invisible from the bullies to avoid getting hurt,” is accurate to your story. You may potentially need to re-consider or at least consider what he must do. Same with the event which triggers his actions, is it really due to him being bullied? That seems like it was the world he was already living in. At least to me it seems the event is him getting scared of his own reflection.
Good luck with writing and revising!
– Joshua L.
Hi Peter,
You are welcome. It sounds like you are getting to the right track. Modify your logline like this:
You wrote: “Frank is a small bullied teenager who believes he is a freak”.
You can say:
1- “Frank is a small bullied teenager” = A young teenage boy
2- “who believes he is a freak” = with a low self-esteem
Then you wrote: ” On the way to school is bullied by two guys from his school”
1- “On the way to school is bullied” = who is bullied
2- “by two guys from his school” = by his schoolmates
and continue completing the logline using the method I wrote you above. BUT
You should Show:
1- The MAJOR EVENT: This is the inciting incident, the call to adventure, catalyst, etc, which you wrote Frank changes his school. Right?
And
2- The ACTION/GOAL: Describe what Frank tries to achieve for most of the story.
Think well and re-write. Consider all angles.
I hope this helps.
Ben