When a streamer and his group of friends bully a stranger off a multiplayer game, they are targeted by him in real life with his own game, the streamer is left two steps behind and is in a race to stop the killings over the next 48 hours. Working Title: Stream (c)

I agree that the premise for this is great. There’s a few issues with the logline and one (in my opinion) with the story. The story problem is that your protagonist is a bully. All his friends are bullies. Personally, I want this stranger to get his own back. I actually want this entire concept from the perspective of the victim – “When he’s bullied off an online multiplayer game by a minor celebrity and his friends, a shy teenager devises his own game to publicly humiliate them all”. It’s not perfect and it loses the “killing element” so I’m not saying go with this at all if it’s not the story you want to tell but I sympathise with this character a lot more. I think you could still tell the story of “the game” from the perspective of the streamer and his friends but we’re actually rooting for this teenager.

Logline wise:

Inciting incident – There’s quite a lot of information that needs to come across in this inciting incident. We need to understand that the group of friends first did something that led to something else. The actual inciting incident is the moment the first friend is targeted/killed but we kinda need to understand why this stranger is targeting them and how. I think we also need to understand the “game” connection. He was bullied off an online (online is important too) game so the victim starts his own game – to me it’s important to keep that link. Tricky one to get right.

Protagonist – As mentioned previously, I struggle to want these guys to survive. They’re bullies so they get what they deserve. But if you do stick with this then give him a characteristic that not only suggests his arc but redeems him slightly (if possible)

Goal – Stop the killings… great. I would remove “the streamer is left two steps behind and is in a race to…” ?It’s a given that, in this scenario, they will be two steps behind – most protagonists are to be honest (but still come out on top). To me it’s unnecessary. I would potentially consider rewording it so it’s something game related – “Survive until it’s game over” or something. “Game Over” would be a good title actually.

Ticking clock – this feels very tacked on. There is no reason why it’s 48 hours and whilst it’s good to have a deadline for tension there must be a reason for it – “hide all evidence of the giant house party before your parents get home” “kill the shark before it kills another tourist” “stop the asteroid before it wipes out civilisation”.

48 words is way too long so spend some time considering what is essential for the reader to understand the story and what is just adding colour.

Hope this helps. Looking forward to seeing where this one goes.