Penpusher
Posted: 2016-10-01T11:07:59+10:00 In:

When a teenager discovers she can walk into the graffiti worlds beyond the walls, she accidentally wakes the shadows that her Dad trapped years ago and she must now find a way to save a city and her Dad.

When a teenager discovers she can walk into the graffiti worlds beyond the walls, she accidentally wakes the shadows that her Dad trapped years ago and she must now find a way to save a city and her Dad.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      “When a teenager discovers she can walk into the graffiti worlds beyond the walls, she accidentally wakes the shadows that her Dad trapped years ago and she must now find a way to save a city and her Dad.”

      Some of the phrasing is too vague. What do you mean by shadows? Just regular shadows that are sentient? The inciting incident should be different, something like when her dad is kidnapped, or something. Just because she discovers she has powers doesn’t mean that she MUST save her father. Her father has to in danger first in order to save him, so that should be the inciting incident.

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    2. Singularity

      Thanks for clarifying that it’s a logline for a series.

      When I chop up and sort this logline out into my template for composing and decomposing loglines, here is how it sorts out for me.

      ?

      Question:Answer:
      What is the hook?Wall graffiti are facades/portals to an alternate world.
      Who is the protagonist?A teenage girl
      What is his character strength?None stated
      What is his character flaw weakness?None stated
      What is the inciting incident (II)?She discovers a portal into the alternate world.
      What becomes his objective goal (OG)?Save her dad.? But there are several missing causal links missing between her discovery in the inciting incident (II) and her objective goal.? Or links that raise more questions than answers, that only make it more difficult to understand the story. Like the link of the “the shadows”.? What are they, where did they come from?? How did her father trapped them?? And if her father trapped them — why does he now to be saved?? And save a city? A city in the real world or in the alternate world?

      This is confusing, complicated. A script reader can only understand the plot by suspending disbelief, buying into 2 piecies of “magic” — 1] alternate worlds behind graffiti, and 2] “Shadows”.

      Is the choice forced or voluntary?Seems voluntary.
      Why? What are the stakes?Her survival of her father and “a city”.
      What is the subjective need?None apparent that complicates achieving the objective goal.
      Who is the antagonist?The Shadows. But who/what they are, and how they pose a threat is unclear.
      What is the ticking clock?None apparent.
      My take away:Since it’s a concept for a series, refocus on the plot for the pilot episode: the discovery of the world behind the graffiti. ?That, it seems to me, is the story hook.

      And that is the purpose of a pilot: setup the story, plant the hook that will keep the audience coming back. The rest will be discovered/explained in future episodes.? Save that material for the story pitch, when producers will want to know what comes next, want to know if the premise has the “legs” for a series.

      Also I suggest fleshing the character a bit in the logline (see above, missing character strength and flaw). ?Because the character has to carry the heavy water in the series, provide the emotional hook to engage audience sympathy and maintain audience interest.

      Fwiw and hope it helps.

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    3. Singularity

      TV is best pitched with the pilot episode. What happens in the pilot will tell the producers what they can expect in subsequent episodes, and informs them about tone, style and theme.

      A writer would be best served by developing a strong concept and a great pilot draft – another argument for focusing a logline on the pilot ep.

      So what happens in the pilot?
      What is the MC’s goal in that particular episode?

      In addition to a strong pilot and providing you have a season long narrative, you could write a logline for season one to help in a pitch. Taking bits and pieces out of your draft above, the Mc is the teen girl and her goal is to save the city.
      Here is my attempt:
      After she accidently awakens a demonic monster her father trapped in a graffiti mural, a superstitious girl must travel into the world of the painting to defeat the creature and save her city.

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